Noah Garfinkel

Republicans are always so desperate to masculinize the military, but it’s always like “No more trans members” or “Now we’re the department of WAR” and never just the sort of reasonable thing of “What if the navy uniform wasn’t the Shirliest fucking Temple thing on the planet?”

The second act of every Stephen King book is, “Hey mister, you don’t look so good. You sure you’re alright?” and it’s great every time.

Praying for all nearby kayakers affected.

You mean Saturday?

I’ve never seen Wicked, but the premise of The Wizard Of Oz is that the whole thing was a dream, so Wicked is just like, “Hey guess what, that dream also has a backstory”?

I’m sending him pics but I’m getting nothing back!

This all sucks. We desperately need a journalist to sext with RFK Jr again.

Bro it was SUPER weird without Al.

It’s a time travel book about stopping the JFK assassination and “Ozzie” is referring to Lee Harvard Oswald. 10/10 so far.

(Thinking I’m about to win a debate about Arby’s being good.)

Okay, but do you think Arby’s has a right to exist?

The arc of the moral universe is long… Good luck!

(Drunk depressed Tony The Tiger)

It’s ffffffffffine.

The coffee place I go to serves their cortados in a tiny cup that I find humiliating to walk around with, so when I order it I ask for a regular cup, and then when it’s ready, they call out, “Cortado in a big cup!” which is also humiliating.

Congratulations! This is your third right? Two girls and now a boy. Nice. That’s a good dynamic. What am *I* up to? Well lately I’ve been singing Gorgui Dieng to the tune of Glory Days by Bruce Springsteen so that’s been keeping me pretty busy.

This is where I like to come to breastfeed Harry Reid.

(You’re a Rich Girl)

🎶 Laurence Fishburne 🎶

I think A.I. is bad and will kill us all but I also do think it could have come up with a way better song if given the prompt, “What would you do if you had a hammer?”

E.R. episode titles are consistently named after like the 4th most dramatic story line. There’s an episode called Leave It To Weaver where Kerry Weaver doesn’t back up Mark in a meeting while Carol narrowly survives a car crashing into her coffee place.

Yesterday was my first dentist appointment in way too long, and at one point I said, “I feel like they’re always playing Pet Shop Boys at dentist offices.” And the hygienist looked relieved and said, “I thought you were going to tell me I’m torturing you. You’re bleeding a lot.”

Yes, that’s the defining trait of this guy. Old is his only frame of reference.

Why would you pronounce me that? Why would you pronounce me Chuck and Larry?

(Guy who has only ever seen Old)

“I want to see Shrek, that movie about the beach that makes you Shrek.”

I genuinely don’t think this is going to be WWIII, but what scares me is I’m never ever right about anything.

Streaming services should have a notification pop up before a season finale so if you’re binging you can get in the right headspace.

“There’s a guy named Furphy.”

I cut my own hair most of the time and people always ask, “But how do you do the back?” It’s easy. I simply don’t do a good job.

Out of nowhere I started laughing to myself about the idea of a group of 12 year olds in 2000 getting caught trying to sneak into The Legend Of Bagger Vance.

My mother quit her lucrative job at General Mills because she thought it should be called Chocolate Dracula. Our family never recovered.

Bram Stouffer’s Druculoni and Cheese.

Democrats to Red States: “You know I actually consider myself pretty conservative…”

Republicans to Blue States: “You’re not real Americans, you live in a shit hole, and we’re sending in people to pepper spray you.”