Summer David

You know what they say: pockets full of sand, heart full of beach glass what do you mean they don’t say that

Virgo: No more excuses! For the next 8 to 15 years you'll never have a better opportunity for travel to a non-extradition country.

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you're on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up.

Excellent! I’ve considered taking the Greyhound over there for a weekend but it’s not exactly cheap.

What route did you take?

Dance like nobody likes you.

The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not even trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises

It has been 0 hours, 0 days and 0 minutes since I washed my paintbrush in my tea.

I’m trying to strike a healthy balance between being informed and being oblivious.

rowed nineteen hours through fog and stormy seas to reach Monster Island, only to discover it's just a rock someone glued googly eyes to

Soup for my family
from www.tiktok.com/t/ZP8L967kj/

@jortsthecat.bsky.social - if you don’t have a brick, may I suggest a can of soup? It’s just soup FOR MY FAMILY.

If you come to thanksgiving dinner with a brick and just set it down next to your chardonnay maybe it will be a conversation piece

It’s okay to be rude to people who want you to die

[3:12 am]

(my cat): oh sorry about stepping on your face i was just headed to the nightstand to knock over that water glass

i do not want supporters of a racist fascist rapist bigot anywhere near me tbh i do not think that is an unreasonable position tbh

wat

I have to say, "[sic]" is such a passive-aggressive writing convention.

It's basically saying "Look, I would never have spelled that so idiotically. THIS stupid motherfucker, however..."

me: *gets something in my eye*

brain: put your finger in there too

It'd be nice to have the opposite of an intrusive thought once in a while. Just a really sudden calming thought

Fumi Yanagimoto

Out of nowhere, my nephew just asked, “Do you think Pavlov thought about feeding his dog every time he heard a bell ring?” and now I’m going to be jaunty that question - Jeremy Parish @gamespite

🫠

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

once upon a midnight dreary
while I wandered, weak and weary
over to a quaint and curious icebox door
when I spotted what I had been craving
the plums that you were probably saving
for your breakfast, I am sure
forgive me please, I do implore
I ate those plums and nothing more

I have delivered
the copper ingots
that were ordered
by Nanni

and which
he was probably
hoping
were a higher grade

forgive me
I am Ea-Nasir
so shifty
and so cold

/squee

/honk