John Lyon

Fog is thick, fog is dense, fog has feelings you know.

In a park setting, someone in a Grimace costume lifts a small child. The child’s head is in Grimace’s mouth.

It was an unpleasant business, but every four years, Grimace required a blood sacrifice, and well, nobody really much liked Brandon anyway.

A Shih Tzu is just a dollar store knockoff of Sun Tzu.

A stingray is just a regular ray that tells you not to put on the red light.

This day in history. 1509. The Battle of Diu in India saw the Portuguese navy defeat a joint fleet of the Ottoman Empire, the Republic of Venice, the Sultan of Gujarat, the Mamluk Burji Sultanate of Egypt, the Zamorin of Calicut, the Republic of Ragusa, the Ace of Base, and the Kings of Leon.

Your vaganza is extra.

Three red and white chickens inspect a red and white water spigot.

“Hey, who’s the new girl?”

(maintaining eye contact while scraping the brussels sprouts you made me into the compost)

I have had more than my Phil of longer winter predicting groundhogs.

Dark billowing clouds of smoke rising above a freeway, with an information sign to the left that reads," Museum of Fire Use Next Exit".

GPS not required.

If hell is real I bet they are in excessive growth mode

First scientist: We should only clone plant-eating dinosaurs to minimize the danger to humans.

Second scientist: I agree. Cloning giant meat-eating predators would be insanely reckless.

-Jurassic Park, first draft

you're in her dms.
i'm in her dms too. thank god we found each other. there's no way out. it's been 2 months and i've run out of food & fresh water.

Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.

Me: Touché.

A bakery called Maslow’s Hierarchy of Kneads

😂😂😂

Wait till you see my Spiro Agnew jokes.

My tits only tingle for thee, my love

My wang only wags in earnest for you, my dear

I hope Hallmark takes my Valentine's Day card submissions seriously this year!

I'm thinking the five minutes I spent separating the 2 coffee filters may not have been the best use of my time.

I'm at the age when my wife won't let me get a Chia Pet because she's worried it'll outlive me.

Pinocchio frantically putting his strings back on after seeing how much it costs to be a real boy.

Screenshot from a form talking about eligibility for a discount for cash payment. But "discount" is spelled "discocunt".

I won't accept 10% off, sir.
This is what I was promised

[in bed]

HIM: that was…uh…really different

ME: you said you wanted to role play *takes off hulk hands*

gazed into the abyss and got left on read

Yall.
I DREAMT MY PHONE RANG & I WOKE UP TO ANSWER IT.

UGH.

This is the winter of our discombobulation.

my fav things that are electric:

slide
boogaloo
funk

Me and the homies

When your crew on point

18 days til the 3rd anniversary of my being completely over her.

Happy 1st of second January to all who celebrate