John Lyon

"Country roads, take me home."
-Google Maps: How about a goat-haunted gas station, a flat tire, and zero signal instead? But hey, you’ll have that song stuck in your head! So...Win!

only watching the supermoon for the commercials

😂

Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!

Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes

Alright who stuck the pill in my cheese cube?

You have just made a powerful enemy
*gives you the cookie with only one chocolate chip*

I was born with a permanent "kick me" sign taped to my aura.

Monday is the universe's way of charging you a 48-hour happiness tax.

They kept me on hold for so long that the on hold music started to get legitimately good, and I became a fan.

"I want you to read my poetry," she threatened.

French dudes be like Breaux

Someone please make a joke-
I have political things to reply with.

According to Prince, when it was warm she wouldn’t wear much more than a Raspberry beret. Perhaps someone should have explained that since you lose about 10% of your body heat through your head there may be more effective methods to stay cool.

Depression is my main squeeze, anxiety is just my side piece.

The assistant to Dr. Frankenstein didn't fully understand mentally or morally what they were up to in making the monster. But sometimes Igor-ance is bliss.

I can’t get out of bed. Someone exist for me.

Literally everyone misuses the word literally.

Smiling chihuahua with black and tan shepherd coloring, bug eyes and missing front tooth.

this is what you get when you soak a german shepherd in mountain dew

them: protect your family’s financial future

me: *gently places Splenda packets and Kohl’s coupons in safe deposit box*

Why learn big words when you can productatiously contrivicate your own?

A halved onion appears to have a smiling face with closed eyes at its center.

i too cry when cutting up an onion but it’s with the happiness of knowing i’m releasing the joyful soul trapped within

Jazz up your posts by using words.

Who let the inspirational posters in?

A model walking on a runway, wearing a ball gown that creates the illusion of her body being separated into two parts with a gap in between.

magician: *sweating* hold on i can fix this

Me: (exists)

Wasp: I have opinions about that

I asked the best way to cook brussel sprouts and I’m getting roasted in the comments

Bob Dylan's Blonde on Blonde is my favorite classic rock album that I can't Google at work.

Late bloomers? So you mean, like, nighttime underwear?

Geez. The NFL isn’t even willing to pay a few extra dollars to get a good bunny.

The Comfy Spot (n)- a fabled optimal sleeping position that only appears on work days, 3 minutes before the alarm goes off.