John Lyon

I’d love to learn CPR but I’m not really into the Bee Gees.

The difference between cucumbers and pickles is jarring.

A hamster stands in a Tupperware container in the background. A second holds up a paw in the foreground.

“Five minutes, Mom. We’re playing pirates.”

I can’t stop thinking about the babysitter. Mostly I wonder when she'll figure out that I'm never coming back.

I always find the guy at the local cheese shop grating.

Geddy and Alex the cats share a carrier for their vet visit

"Going to the vet is stupid"
"IKR?"
"He better not call me fat this time"
"IKR?"
"I hate needles"
"I..."
"If you say IKR one more time I STG"

As soon as the tide comes back in it's over for you beaches.

“I. Know how to use periods”

AI lied to me again, no wonder people mistake it for human

Never get involved in a land war in Asia, Charlie Brown.

Technically you can have multiple pieholes but I would advise against it.

Why would I want to leave my comfort zone it's so comfy *burrows down further

Research indicates that over 30% of the numbers in studies I cite are entirely made up

Biscuit dough tubes: providing morning jump scares since 1931

Thank you for the half-assed effort. It truly meant a lot.

Sorry, can’t. I have a family dysfunction to attend.

At Best Buy insisting on paying full price because all fridays matter

I'm thankful for having found a new flavour of catfood that meets with the approval of little lord and master.
We can be heroes, just for one day.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend but isn’t it also me?

*placing a civic in the manger* happy honda days

Viewers of Stanger Things who notice that the actors playing teens are now adults, the fans of the movie Grease and the TV show 90210 would like to have a word with you.

i see we're all continuing to participate in this tragic farce* that nobody asked for

*monday

I laugh, not because I'm happy. I laugh because I've lost my goddamned mind.

All those missing socks didn't prepare me for the missing Aquaman Underoo bottoms.

BRING BACK AIR GUITAR CONTESTS YOU COWARDS

Photo of a collection of icicles that have formed outside a window that look like a creature or a ghost or a demon idk it’s got a nice ass tho

if you’re cold they’re cold
let your demons in

I went gray early, but still think of myself as a brunette. I've lived in Iowa for 18 years, but still call myself a Southerner. Denial is my game.

God (watching humans): I’m beginning to regret taking that seventh day off.

The amount of butter in my mashed potatoes could only be described as reckless

Today, on an early morning walk through my hometown, the wind delivered the scent of a pizzeria prepping for the day, and I was instantly transported to 1980, and the humid back room of Vincent’s, my best friend and I pumping the quarters we’d stolen from our moms’ purses into the Asteroids machine.