Epiphany

Smelling the milk every time I use it knowing I have no idea how to tell the difference when it’s gone bad.

R.I.p. Elvis. You would have loved Pepto-Bismol.

How can my foot possibly know the difference between the floor and my flat shoe?! Just be grateful foot and stop acting like this shoe is uncomfortable.

I hate leg cramps. They be raising me out of my bed like I’m in the exorcist.

Got fired from my job as a fortune cookie writer because my messages were "unsettling" and “Why do your elbows look like that?” isn’t a fortune.

Me: Drinks both our water.

There’s something so awkward about being on aux because what if they don’t like how my playlist goes from Bruno Mars to The Phantom Of The Opera to the TMNT theme song

To the girl who flashed me while I was driving, thanks for letting me know there was a speed check ahead, but you probably could have used your lights.

The Velocipastor. I didn't blink once this entire film because I couldn't miss a single moment. I sneezed with my eyes open three separate times. As a retired archaeologist, this is incredibly accurate movie. Plus, little known fact, velociraptors are actually just T-rexs with scoliosis.

Might start a podcast where it’s just me reading off a list of your many faults.

Day me and Night me have two different views on if ghosts are real.

My trust issues can be tracked back to the very first time I was given those crayons at Red Robin that never worked.

This MIGHT be Hannibal Lecter.

You’ll never catch me using the Pinterest search bar. I can’t risk it ruining my carefully curated feed.

I think I’ll deal with this minor inconvenience with some extreme substance abuse.

Unfortunately my attempts to be mysterious today were foiled and I ended up crying on the floor of my bathroom after a minor confrontation.

Honestly not surprised I turned out this way. I used to think the freezer burn on the inside of my grandmother fridge was a form of ice cream.

This is so sweet, thank you! If you were a frog, and I was also a frog, I would let you chill on my lily pad for a small fee of 2 flies. Which is a steal because I’d charge most people at least 5 flies.

Seems totally legit to me. I wonder if he’d like my social security number

A spider came into my general vicinity, and for that I will force it to watch Skylar White sing “Happy Birthday, Mr. President” on repeat. A fate worse than death.

Boss: “Hey, can I see you in my office. I’d like to remind you about our dress code policy.”

Me [wearing an inflatable John Cena body suit]: “Highly unlikely.”

Or you could skip all those steps and just eat the tea bag.

An accurate depiction of what I look like after I’ve ripped off a hangnail.

This MIGHT be Gargamel.

Don’t think I would survive in Mad Max. Nobody is using their turn signals.

Ever since I was a little girl, I knew I wanted to be an alcoholic father figure when I grew up.

If someone decided to try and microwave me in a giant bowl, would I be completely fine since it would just heat up the bowl, leaving me at the exact same temperature?

You make some excellent points, unfortunately, yo mama.

I have a chronic fear that every time I misclassify a mineral as a rock, Hank Schrader will appear out of thin air and frame me for cooking meth.