Edible Mouse Feet

i understand everyone has house rules for board games but you gotta tell me about the no nudity rule BEFORE we play twister

taking fish oil helps to improve mental clarity

taking crude oil is theft and will not be tolerated

likewise mr upside down duck

[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale

is wendys cool with you

true story i ate a whole lava lamp in 2016 and now i can see god

do free range pokemon taste better?

why does it look like he just got busted trying to steel a handrail at disneyland

why does my wife keep asking for machine tattoos

these sir are my finest grapes. that’s right, straight from the tik tok

a good friend whispered to me: pspspspspspsps

i’ll never forget that

a third of all men are legs

there is a man (or woman) in my neighbourhood that often places ham on my doorstep.

nothing better than the taste of sun warmed doorstep ham

brb gotta install a mutilated tree decorated with tinfoil and multicoloured lights so i don’t get judged for being weird

*cracking under the pressure of writing one new bluesky post a day* this must be what mr beast feels like

ME: how about we do an unboxing video

PALLBEARER: absolutely not

recipes on the internet are like:

… anyway my father collected the raisins from the raisin trees
… and the smell of hedgehog in the morning always made my tummy rumble
… these days my kids live entirely off tide pods

anyway, to boil water you’ll first need a cup of water and a mortar & pestle

pizza hut
lasagna hovel
minestrone shed
fettuccine hole

take me down to the fettuccine hole where there is a hole and it in is fettuccine 🎶

Delilah: Hey

Jude: Hey there

mahjong is like an old timey video game. it also makes for a sick tattoo. sorry for confusing you lettuce man

have you got mahjong too

[showing date my Chinese character tattoos] this one's Mulan

if you see a frog in the woods, tell him i want my money back

i made a little meme about going to the farmers market

wow! i found an incredible new way of passively generating income. getting started is sooooo easy!

1. get involved in an underground gambling ring

2. put your life on the line and start winning lots of russian roulette.

link in bio if you want to take my course

inventor of musicals: what if we ruined a movie every 15 minutes

“no you’re the one who’s too online” he typed, into the wrong chat

my dad works in the macaroni mines and every week he’s yelled at by one of your followers

optimus prime: did she just wink at me?

me: i think she’s turning left