lil jon lovitz

[yelling over everyone at a politician's town hall meeting] no one has ever actually eaten a ferrero rocher

me (checking my phone): ok if i fall asleep right now i'll get 4 hours before my alarm goes off
my brain:

precious moments figurines are funko pops for grandmas

this is specifically for @bvigeant.bsky.social

coworker: man this weekend was wild
me (wearing a jean jacket, a little bit louder than is appropriate): OH YEA?

You know where you won’t see a series of increasingly worrisome headlines? Inside my hollow tree ever since the wifi went out because I chewed through a wire

This is weird, but maybe helpful for other folks: I've been struggling with a persistent ringing in my ears for months, and finally scheduled an appointment to get it checked out. The doctor found a tiny experimental noise band in there. Little table full of gear, bunch of cables and everything

pierooooooo

Sorry I lost your dog, he hit a speed boost arrow & that’s the last I saw him

my face when [doleful sound of the wind howling through a metal door left ajar]

i have...so many thoughts

don't let her take that thing to goodwill, that's how horror movies start

NFTs were a bubble, AI is a bubble, but small carvings of large hipped women have remained popular with unsettling lighthouse keepers for 200 years, invest with confidence

the all-new, fully redesigned 2025 homie

is anybody else's amulet glowing

[message from your dasher]
hey is it cool if i haunt your dreams a lil bit

person i just met at a party: so what do you do for work?
me (wincing): computer,

At a funeral saying deadass instead of amen

not enough booger chat generally, imo

me (proudly): so sharks, what do you think
mark cuban: well i for one cannot stand you. you're like a greasy little goblin or something
kevin o'leary: a gremlin
mark cuban: a gremlin. and for that reason, i'm out

Hey, the common loon called. Yeah, it was hauntingly beautiful

a screenshot of a smithsonian article headline that reads "archaeologists keep finding massive shoes at an ancient roman fort—and they have no idea why..."

easy. massive feet

so tired of leaving my house only to be swooped up by the talons of an enormous predatory bird and dropped on top of a tall building

job interviewer: tell me a little about yourself
me: my bones are sturdy and strong

always fun to drive past someone emphatically trying to reason with their dog

amazon delivery vans should play music like the ice cream truck

Why did so many people I went to high school with become yoga masters 25 years later? Is it because of the Nintendo Switch? Nintendo is making us more serene and flexible and I don't trust it.

spending a generous portion of today tending to my many Feuds

are you implying some subtext here.