johnny myspace

I only followed you back because I thought we could fall in love and get married and have several children and eat at restaurants without speaking and sleep with our backs to each other

Minnie Mouse is the same size as Mickey Mouse.

WOULD!

I just opened a jar all by myself. Thinking about joining the Olympics.

HOT!

I really enjoy watching men with heavy New Jersey accents making large sandwiches is this what they call a kink

I have a love/hate relationship with the show. Being able to binge helps with it's enjoyment a lot.

Polar bears were used in experimentation with the turning of the wheel as explained in the later seasons.

During a Zoom meeting today, I remembered hickies. Do you guys remember hickies? Back when love left marks and not just unread messages.

Age verification? *speeks in a dead ancient language*

Murder, she summoned

Sooooowwwy

Can't argue with that.

... especially Erica Durance

Smallville has a special place in my heart.

SINNERS (complimentary) (2025, dir. Ryan Coogler)

If i play my cards right i could win this poker game

"I'm not old, I'm just seasoned!"—me trying to look on the bright side before being eaten by cannibals

a congressional hearing on who has me muted

I used to do a sex education class in a women's halfway house. We would do an exercise where we would list as many goofy names for genitals as we could. I must have heard at least 1000 words for vagina, and there is just one that still amazes me- 20 years later:

Fish mitten.

My only friends are active volcanoes and I never know if I am coming home with disfiguring burns.

Disclaimer: This post is a work of fiction and of questionable humor. Any resemblance to other accounts or avis, active or deactivated, or other posts is purely coincidental. No mutuals were harmed during the production of this post. All typos are accidental unless stated otherwise.

NURSING HOME RESIDENT: Are you here visiting someone young man?

ME: *takes second pudding* are you a cop

[being stabbed by my ophthalmologist for dropping too many puns] *whispers* Dr Shivago lol

How far back can I scroll, like and repost before it gets creepy?

Me: Alrighty, fellas. Here we go! 🎶 Clang clang clang went the trolley! Ding ding ding went the bell! 🎶

[I'm immediately shivved by all the other prisoners]

Already threatened to hit someone with a focaccia and it's barely past 9am

My reaction to citronella suggests that I may in fact be part mosquito

Fetch me my slippers and my scratching post

follow me for free samples