Hollie Harris

Generational wealth, but it's just my 8yo inheriting all his brother's Minecraft clothes and pajama hand-me-downs now that he's gone up a size.

It's funny how my husband and kids can never find an object they're looking for that's right out in the open, but somehow can always find the candy and snacks I hide.

Me: Move your cup away from the edge of the table so you don't knock it off the table.

*8yo doesn't listen and knocks cup over a few minutes later*

8yo: Whoa, how'd you know that would happen? Are you psychic?

Me: No, I'm a mom.

Random things that pop into my head for no reason at all: that merman from Cabin in the Woods.

Going as a zombie for Halloween, because I don't have to use any makeup or wear a costume to look the part these days.

Fake drawstrings on sweatpants had to be invented by the same jerks who designed women's jeans with faux pockets.

😂

Whenever my 14yo acts like he knows everything, I remind him he used to be adamant that there was an East Virginia since there was a West Virginia.

Restaurants that get me hooked on a meal but say it's "for a limited time only" are the reason I have trust issues.

I'm not sure why it's so hard for my husband and sons to figure out if the dishwasher has clean or dirty dishes in it, but it must be inherited from the Y chromosome.

Skip the Expensive Festivals and Discover the Magic of a Homemade Fall Experience in My Yard We have autumn festivals at home

If you're looking for a fall festival that won't cost you a dime, consider coming to experience autumn in my yard.

Fall is great because every time I run my dryer the little corn pieces from the pumpkin patch magically appear

In other news, a woman managed not to steal a large slice from the world’s most visited leftover cake sat in her kitchen today.

I'll be your hamburger AND your helper

Being dull is where I shine.

Have you tried buying a new brand of menthol gel about it?

Gimme something to eat while I decide what to eat.

Giving out major “don’t sit next to me” vibes at this party.

Look guys, we're all in this together. Let's stop making things more difficult than they need to be.

-me to my eyes, joints, back, and any other middle-aged body part rebelling against me

My husband's vision board would just be different dinners and meals he hopes I'll make.

Sometimes my life feels like a Mr. Beast challenge, but without the monetary incentive.

I won't stand for people's nonsense and shenanigans.

But I will sit down for them.

Possibly with a bowl of popcorn.

If I could be as committed to my good habits as I am to my bad habits, I'd be unstoppable.

Husband: I think you might be going overboard with your love for pumpkin spice.

Me: What makes you say that? *adding chicken breasts to marinate in a bowl full of pumpkin spice latte*

I know better than to read anything aloud if I come across any ancient or mysterious-looking books.

I'm just a middle-aged mom, standing in front of a room, asking it what the hell I came in here for.

Nothing makes me question my intelligence more than trying to pronounce Worcestershire sauce correctly.

Maybe she's born with it.

Maybe it's AI.

I think Monday the 13th is much scarier than Friday the 13th.

Sometimes I say things like "It's on like Donkey Kong," and I can see my children die a little inside from embarrassment.