Lindsay

The Grammy Awards should have a “best on hold music” category.

Me: I know pantyhose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone

Teller: So is this not a robbery?

Me: No, it is

a high coo in a haiku

gigantic pigeon,
way up in a skyscraper.
more like a high coo.

Person: Sitting is the new smoking.

Me: [from my wheelchair]: I guess I’ve been smoking cigarettes since I was a baby.

I was going to enter a boxing match, but I’m afraid I would feint.

“My body is a wonderland” I whisper as I pluck the last of my chin hairs

Four signs instructing users to push a button to exit, placed around the button and on the door.

okay run it by me one more time

I typed the word “living” and the next word my phone suggested was “daylights.” My phone thinks I’m an 85 year old southern woman.

Every dad gift ideas list is like: Scotch rocks, socks that are also a knife, bacon wallet, hammer subscription

Two bears stand on protrusions from the trunk of a large tree. A partridge stands on a branch above one of them.

♫ and a partridge in a bear tree

A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

Beef jerky

Beef just having bad day

Beef sorry for taking it out on you

I wonder which of the three wise men said only fools rush in?

Opening a restaurant named ‘Peace and Quiet’ where kids meals cost $80

[sees an old man with a tattoo] *whispers to self* gramp stamp

Interviewer: what did you learn from your previous job?

Me: that I need a new job

This couch for my virtual doctor appointment looks more comfortable than my actual couch.

Dear Comcast,
My bill is not past due, it is just experiencing technical difficulties

On a scale of 1 to 10 for hotness, I would rate myself a good listener

me: don’t mind me, I’m just taking a gander

petting zoo employee: put the goose down

ME: Sorry I'm late. There were a bunch of protesters singing my favorite REM song.
BOSS: Shiny Happy People?
ME: No, they were mad.

A sign in a parking lot reads: NOTICE MUST BE CUSTOMER AT ALL TIMES

Welcome to America

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi.

When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”

bill nye’s full name is william new years eve

When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”

When my friend asks me if I want to go out after 8:00 PM, I say I’m under the influence of my pajamas and I can’t drive.

Reset Password

‘TheForce’

TheForce is not strong enough

I bought my toothbrush at Dollar Tree and all the bristles fell off after I used it once

When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.