Twinklebreeze

Terrible morning so far. Tried to power wash the hairs off the inside of urinal with my pee and one was basically stuck on there with glue or something. Still gonna salvage what I can from this day and hit it again after my morning tea.

I'm pretty knowledgeable about what food pairs well with tap water

shooting a rubber band at my boss's flashing red Weak Point and his whole leg comes off

If you’ve dated more than one Walter you’re letting them Walts right into your life.

remember when romance meant poetry and travel and nonstop sex instead of them accompanying you to costco on a sunday morning and pushing the heavy cart

bsky already has a dislike feature and that’s them not liking the post or calling us a bitch in our mentions

Joyce Carol Oates @Joyce... 17h O So curious that such a wealthy man never posts anything that indicates that he enjoys or is even aware of what virtually everyone appreciates— scenes from nature, pet dog or cat, praise for a movie, music, a book (but doubt that he reads); pride in a friend's or relative's accomplishment; condolences for someone who has died; pleasure in sports, acclaim for a favorite team; references to history. In fact he seems totally uneducated, uncultured. The poorest persons on Twitter may have access to more beauty & meaning in life than the "most wealthy person in the world."

Elon Musk ' @elonmusk X.com Oates is a liar and delights in being mean. Not a good human.

lol she got his ass and he knows it

my baby is feral. her sister calls her a “rascally rat.” she’s like 10th percentile in height and weight and 90th in head circumference. she never stops eating. she chipped two of her four teeth and that’s only enhancing her whole vibe. she knows three words: eat, more, again! I love her so much

in my dream i was being really nice to this kid and he called me a new slur for people who are really nice

an owl babysitter is a hootenanny has this been done before

in a completely predictable series of events today I upgraded to an executive costco membership and then immediately threw out my back

every time i change my own oil i’m like “well done, i spent 2 hours making a mess to save $5”

you hear Crouching Tiger and you're thinking, well that's gotta be the most fearsome and best camouflaged creature in this title,

[hot ones]
me: *finishes off gallon of milk*
sean evans: ok are you ready for your first wing

you’re going balls to the wall too much, the whole wall smells like balls

Aborted babies crawling around heaven like shrimp

when will a frankenstein movie be brave enough to let us see the doctor choosing the dick

But we're gonna have a big beautiful famine and I think you'll be very happy. And we'll have plenty to eat. We'll have plenty to eat

Hand written sign at shop reading “WE HAVE” “CHICKEN” “NOODLE” “SOUP”

Gotta say, I’m not so confident that you do

you jerk off. i nice guy off. we are not the same.

when they say you're a ghost in the machine what they really mean is you are haunted meat

Stop telling me not to be A Negative person, it’s literally in my blood

if you feel yourself start to panic, stop and ask yourself - “wait - is this even my disco?”

im gay in ways that would have scientists ripping their glasses off their face in horror to mutter "my God" under their breath

While I support the long-term ecological project of bugs, I feel that their short-term goals are not mission-aligned. My brand partnership with bugs hinges on actionable progress with regard to: getting in my house, scampering around, flying when it looks like you shouldn’t be able to, attitude.

andrew cuomo can still win this thing if mike pence has fhe courage

‘Shut Up, Mother! Shut Up!’ Pleads George W. Bush To Dick Cheney Skeleton Dressed In Suit

‘Shut Up, Mother! Shut Up!’ Pleads George W. Bush To Dick Cheney Skeleton Dressed In Suit https://theonion.com/shut-up-mother-shut-up-pleads-george-w-bush-to-dick-cheney-skeleton-dressed-in-suit/

Don't tell me that! I've got #2 coming up real soon, and I need to believe it'll be all sunshine and rainbows this time. They've fixed babies since 2022.

apropos james watson’s death i had an idle thought today about how stupid race/iq stuff sounds. “buh if your skin is darker you are biologically less smart” is a thing only a dumbass can believe

the first french guy who started making his bread real long was probably so annoying