Just Kristen 💁🏼‍♀️

You know what’s top tier?

Your mom.

Was I gone? Lol

Eating an egg roll.

Thought of you.

[billy corgan] and in this recipe we will use smashed pumpkins in a way that will surprise and delight your dinner guests

Not now, I’m elevating my feet to reduce my heat cankles

Dating me is a lot like buying a new mattress:

Zero interest for six months

If ICE were after me, I'd go full-on greased-up deaf guy on them.

I know it's time to do laundry when my preteen daughter is wearing trampoline park socks around the house.

Snapchat please STOP with the high pitched voice animal filters.

It's like trying to jack off to the cast of Bambi.

My kid: Can I eat in the bathtub?

Me: Are you high?

Just got done watching Lady and the Tramp with my kid. Aunt Sara can eat a dick. I wouldn't let her watch my pet rock.

I want to see the Behind the Music special about how Bambi went from a buck in the movie to inspiring one of the top 3 female stripper stage names of all time.

In the song We Built This City, they have a traffic report on a Saturday and I think about that a lot.

Haha thats hilarious. Ok seriously, how do you pronounce Ghislaine

I thought Hulk Hogan was like 60 in 1985 so the fact that he lived to 100 is amazing.

Your Mom knows who took her to Poundtown last summer

The Pope’s scrotum is sac-religious

Here’s the thing, nobody cares.

*puts your dad on my to do list*

fuck it we ball up and cry

I'd take a time machine back to 1800 and do all the crimes.

The best way to purge rage is exercise.

I’m a grown, 46 yr old woman.

Of course I have a Labubu.

Imagine being mean to me and I’m just over here dressing up my Labubu and strapping it into its carseat to take a trip to Walmart

I have nothing to bitch about right now