Giles1st

He'll pray with you, offer you food, ask for a donation and nonsensically chant, but after that, he gonna sho*t dat a**.

Are you feeling lucky?

"Please tell emergency services to hurry. I've just killed my child's pet gerbil."

Flashback to last week:

My Kid: Dad, why does my gerbil smell funny?

Me: huh?

I think that teaching myself to make AI videos would be useful for my sales career...

Example:

ME: Take the 20 case drop or a video of you making love to a horse goes viral.

THEM: But I've never made love to a hor....*

*receives video

THEM: OMG.

@danawhite.bsky.social No one wants to see Michael Chandler and Conor McGregor fight. One of them hasn't fought for years and the other is on a losing streak. The only positive thing about this fight is that one or both of these annoying Fooks is going to get their ass kicked.

Forgive me.

It's a vintage silver pill box. Once dad's ashes are inside, the jeweler will laser it shut and I'll pick a chain. Dad is always in my heart, now he'll also be around my neck.

My creation

My wife said I can have a giraffe if we win the lotto but I'll have to ride it to work. Hit me up if you need giraffe milk.

Which is most true? Elaboration encouraged.

1) My posts are not funny.
2) No one sees my posts.
3) Both 1 & 2 are equally true.
4) Fill in the blank.

You can only push a pooh so far. (Gravity takes care of the rest.)*

*double entendre

Laughter is my coping mechanism.

DO NOT BUY THIS!! IT BURNS YOUR PENIS! My surgeon is recommending 6 more sessions of skin grafts. My Lawyer thinks I have a case. The company that made the product is out of business so we're suing Ebay®️ directly. There was nothing on their site indicating that I shouldn't put my penis in it.

Fixed it.

Clearly a giraffe 🦒.

Sometimes your mom chooses the cucumber and sometimes the cucumber chooses your mom.

bsky.app/profile/thos...

The opposite of fusili is fuserious unless you're making dinner in the hood. Then it's fudeadass.

If someone in the office smells like Limited Edition Churro Flavored Bailey's Irish Cream®️ and fine imported coffee, it's me. I just spilled it down my pantalones.

Just think: Before the internet, it would've taken days, weeks or even months to receive mountains of misinformation we get now in just minutes

Rob Ryan looks like Hulk Hogan ate an entire box of Twinkies®️.

THINGS THAT KEEP ME UP AT NIGHT #972

If not for gravity, many of you would have double foreheads instead of double chins.

Traffic today is a bumper-to-bumper crawl through hell with an occasional jolt to the next level of anguish.

#SomehowIManage

An older woman sits in the back of a pickup truck.

We swore we weren’t gonna get another grandma after the last one died, but when we saw this one at the shelter, we just knew we had to have her.

Women act as though childbirth is difficult, but have you ever tried to poop on Zepbound®️?