Jason McBason

what if the rapture actually DID happen today, but so few people made the cut that most of us just didn't notice

I agree! I moved to Chicago a couple years ago and love it!

I'm a Christian and my wife is an Orthodox Jew. So when we had children, we decided to compromise and raise them as Scientologists.

Matt is short for Mattress Firm

Whatever you're going through, just know that you're not alone. I'm with you. In your home. Watching from the shadows.

works as both a compliment and an insult

Lord of the Rings trivia: Hobbits have a second butt where second breakfast comes out.

There are millions of deaths every year from ceiling fans spinning so fast that they fall off the ceiling and cut people's heads off.

Wife: Please, for the sake of our marriage... for once in your life, just be sincere.

Me: Okay..... Hello! I'm Sincere. What's your name?

Me: [gets divorced harder than anyone's ever been divorced before]

make sure your vents are covered, they can climb through those

me exactly 2 minutes after I last peed

Clarence the Angel: (gestures) This is what the world would look like if you never existed.

Me: Wow. I can't believe.... wait, why are my kids still here?

Clarence: ...

Me: ...

Clarence: Well, this is awkward.

the cool thing is you can buy a bunch for yourself and then just tell other people in the store they're for your kids

you need to go to the dark web for that

just do what i do and only buy flavored lip balm

if you want money so much then why do you give it away in exchange for other things, genius?

it's a privilege that comes with not having a life

When Harry Met Piggy

fun prank: tape a sign that says "PEE ON ME" to a stranger's back and then watch as everyone around starts peeing on them

ya but free samples usually make people want more

The rage inside of me is a supernova powerful enough to devour worlds.

and say it in a weird goblin voice, preferably with a british accent

i'm made of arsenic

girl you have more "I can fix him" energy than all the people who tried to put Humpty together again

wait what's the rhyme

you have to marry them first so they can't escape

after throwing the bowling ball, he chases after it

Them: "Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?"
Me: "Yes. Often. And passionately. I use tongue."
Them: [starting to regret asking]

don't TELL ME what I can and can't imagine, GARY!!