Little Greenis

INVENTOR OF THE VEST: fuck you arms

[Johnson's formulating adult shampoo]

no. let them cry.

INTERVIEWER: how did you prepare for your first sci-fi film, did you stargaze?

DIRECTOR: I’m actually not supposed to ask if they’re gay.

Motown implies the exsistence of Larrytown & Curlytown

i have a brown paper belt in origami

‘bridge’ is short for rebrigerator

[extreme Forest Gump voice] I’m cumming

[holding a sign that says “LOOK AT ME”]

OMG STOP LOOKING AT ME.

Now that I’m 40, I feel like I finally have the skills needed to succeed in high school.

BRONTOSAURUS: roar

STEGOSAURUS: roar

TYRANNOSAURUS: roar

THESAURUS: bellow

AUSTRALIAN CUSTOMS OFFICER: Purpose of your visit?

ME: *points to my handlebar mustache

CUSTOMS: You're here to fight a kangaroo

ME: I'm here to fight a kangaroo

“Climate change that look on your face.”

A pez dispenser but for chicken nuggets

please excuse me while i slip into something a little more comfortable (a bathtub filled with hotdog water)

The weather network has issued a warning today, “stop being a little bitch,” said one meteorologist.

Telling the cop I’ll give him his nose back if he lowers his firearm

A dachshund stands in a store, visible through glass doors marked with a "no dachshunds" graphic silhouette sign. The interior shows shopping carts and tiled flooring.

BECOME UNGOVERNABLE

always terrifying when no one is there to bless you and you're just racking up unblessed sneezes

I wish an uber driver could launch me at my door like a kid delivering a newspaper.

Thank you 🙏

This is the exact reaction I want with everything I write 😃

Pretty good 👍🏻

🙏

I will use all my powers for evil.

Thank you good sir

I’m here for it 😂

Nice.

You’re welcome 🫡

Thank you 🙏

🫡