Little Greenis

CRIMINAL: are you wearing a wire?

ME: *secretly wearing my wife’s bra* how did you know?

Smiling chihuahua with black and tan shepherd coloring, bug eyes and missing front tooth.

this is what you get when you soak a german shepherd in mountain dew

Here’s a list of people who can throw a ball farther than me:

1: everyone

Wait, I can cha-cha real smoother.

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same...
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.

[eating cookies at the library]

Sir, is that snack nut free?

Not that it’s any of your business but I definitely didn’t jizz in this batch.

[emerging from a ball pit, levitating with several balls orbiting around me]

You’re going to regret throwing that, Brandon

the tumble setting on a dryer can be used to make cement but only once

Family vacations were just us standing in a parking lot eating ketchup packets. ‘Imagine it’s France,’ Dad mumbled, crying into a napkin.

"The bond's Name. James Name"
Pleased to... what?
"Bond Name's the james"
Are you alright?
"Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"

A sign reading “nice to meat you”

me, after a one night stand:

I’ll never forget the day my uncle fixed his first turbine engine, we were all blown away.

Got tear away pants for this colonoscopy prep.

Mike Myers

Michael Myers

September 30 October 1

DATE: So what do you do?

ME: I race cars.

HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?

ME: No, the cars are much faster.

Nice pun, bet you thought I was gonna eat crow.

When I was young my mom asked “how are you and the new babysitter making out?” I replied “with a lot of tongue.” She didn’t laugh but I knew she found it funny because she made me tell the joke again to a police officer later that day. I never saw that babysitter again, hope she’s doing well.

a bag of "Get Movin' Crackers."

what the green flag means at a NASCAR race

Sign reads “Parking for BJ’s in rear of building.”

no way i’m falling for this a third time

Welcome to crow club, thanks for joining our caws.

Grimace if he sold crack

HER: I’m a genealogist.

ME: that’s crazy, I just finished watching Aladdin.

[bank teller describing me to the police]

He was really out of breath, couldn’t carry a lot of money. Had Shrek stickers on his gun…called it a SHREK-9.

I showed my bluesky account to my psychiatrist and she said I could pick whatever medication I want

My girlfriend kept on asking me to go spelunking with her so eventually I caved.

Playground tube slide boarded up and labeled “slide closed.”

i really hope someone empties it out at the end of the day

You’re telling me this radio is from your trans sister?

When I die, put boxing gloves on me and bury me next to a kangaroo.

Wife stopped sending me to the grocery store after I bought the unfancy molasses.

they should invent a potato peeler you can find