Oh, George is Here

wow, okay, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cereal. didn’t realize he was a really scary vampire

Grown ass man drinking juice

I used to smoke crack with an anesthesiologist before we both went to work.

They have no vision!!

I want Christian Bale to play me in a movie of my life, but know it’s gonna end up being fucking Greg Grunberg.

Friday?

My 13 year old called me “city balls” yesterday.

Man. This kid knows me. My balls are so city.

Yeah. This was rough and didn’t really feel like it knew which movie it wanted to be.

You’re in her DMs.

I am her DM.

a man in a blue shirt is running down a ramp with a wwe logo in the background ALT: a man in a blue shirt is running down a ramp with a wwe logo in the background

Mark from finance brought bagels

Me: *gets possessed

Demon: you live like this??

Imagine hating me and I’m just over here putting pizza rolls in my purse.

There's no high like a falutin high.

You there, garçon. A bottle of your finest Advil.

I can't today. I have to change my clothes until they're comfortable and it's not working

I live my life the same way I fold a fitted sheet. Like a psycho.

I am woman, hear me “whatever.”

Please don’t expect me to have my shit together by my second rodeo.

“Set it all on fire!”

Me, after I get honey on my hand while grabbing the honey jar

“Why are all the good ones married?” I often wonder about myself

The last one I was at had all the sushi on little boats on water.

It, somehow, made me more sad

*gets stoned*

now to kill two birds

I talk a lot of shit for a guy that casually drops “lickity split” a few times a day.

If you post a selfie and strangers on the internet don’t tell you you’re pretty

BURN. SHIT. DOWN

Pretty sure the love of my life is a chili slaw hotdog

Have you tried deleting Twitter about it?

We should sing some John Denver about it

Filling the trunk of my Camry with 300lbs of pastrami and trying to get to Minneapolis in under five hours like some discount Smokey and the Bandit.

Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they don't like pepperoni pizza.