love guzzler

(mournfully) zoinks scoob

making a zoophile blocklist and putting everyone who's ever flirted with me on it

put a worm on roids what that look like

in the pussy having a fuckin asthma attack

Godspeed is a contraction of “God has peed”

asking my 60 year old mormon boss if he likes soaking

brokeboy never young again

winning the kids in the divorce using my razor sharp dialectics

hiring a full time secretary to feed my tamogachi

god told me to try all the samples at costco

putting my 55 year old coworkers on to prostate milking

im different. i cajole with scallywags. i play hooky. i listen to piano man. and im only fucking 12

new sex position called museumstyle (hands behind back, solemn expression, staring for too long)

sneaking into a rich house and tweeting from their fridge

manic pixie it girl