Joycieface

They always talk about fight or flight. But never the third, more chaotic option: Anxiously Wanting to Talk It Out.

The owner of the inn listing his stable after Mary and Joseph reported it quite comfortable

(Added under house rules: “No additional guests, no drumming, and absolutely no giving birth in the manger”)

Detective: I ask you again. Where are the jewels.

Me: Right here.

Detective: What.

Me: Maybe the real jewels, were the friends we made along the way 🥺

My lawyer: I am BEGGING YOU to remain silent—

Detective: No no 🥹 let her finish

(we reach for each other’s hands as far as my handcuffs allow)

me: I would like to state on the record that I was NOT in Paris on sunday and certainly NOWHERE near the Louvre

officer: ma’am your brake light’s out

Jesus returning to earth and seeing labubus: “I specifically said no idols”

Cotton candy is like if candy was gaslighting your mouth.

Your mouth is like wait what I swear I was just eating candy? and cotton candy is like lmao no you weren’t, and furthermore you’re scaring me.

I just feel like sending in the National Guard and Marines to a city that recently banded together and mobilized to fight devastating wildfires isn’t a good idea maybe

Okay picture this. Triathlon but it’s running, then the worm, followed by galloping on all fours. Do you see the vision.

Sometimes I wonder if my parents are trying to break me psychologically?

Me, pitching a reality show:
Ok picture this—a group of hot singles on a secluded island.
Over the next 30 days they learn healthy communication skills, conflict resolution, and explore mental health with therapists.
The prize? Friendship. And love 🥹

Network exec: How do you keep getting in here?

me, to mother of a crying baby: have you tried telling it to lock in?

Me: If a queen serves in a forest and no one is around to see, does she even slay?

Therapist: I’ll be honest with you, I think she does. And that’s called forest fire

Me: Haha nice

Therapist: Looks like we’re out of time, that’ll be $150

Just tried doing a bronx accent in the privacy of my own home and immediately was so humbled I just stood there in silence with my hands at my temples

[Me, breaking into a fortune cookie]

Fortune cookie: The US will fall to sectarian violence in the next 60 years. Learn Chinese! 你們完蛋了。Nǐmen wándànle.

Me: Huh? This is not auspicious.

I laughed out loud. Idk what I thought they’d do with it, like I guess realistically they would have thrown it out anyways but it was brand new. I was like dude I would have kept it, you didn’t have to do him like that in front of me

“Okay no problem!” (shoots the contact case in the head)

Thinking about the time I was at the optometrist. He had me take my contacts out. After I put them back in, he asked if I wanted to keep the case. I hesitated and said no. He cheerfully said ok, then immediately tossed it in the trash under his desk 😂😂 Like why did I instantly feel bad

Jk I never said that either

I never said my posts would make sense, only that they’d be faithful and true

Me, approaching a group of snails on the ground: Excuse me, is this Conclave?

This is Kevin and Creed. They don't know how they got in this situation, but had already decided to simply accept their fate. 13/10 for both

It’s just so exciting man

When I set up a joke and I’m waiting for my friend to respond I’m like those dogs playing hide and seek but their tails are furiously wagging

Me when I use the 🙏🏼 emoji

Saying grace but it’s just me rubbing my hands together and saying “scrumpdiddlyumptious”

Did you know that if you look at something extremely cute when you’re feeling extremely stressed, it’ll make you want to cry? Me neither!

Kind of inspiring that “foolish” made it into formal vocabulary.
That’s not a word. That was somebody fumbling around trying to describe what a fool might do.

Peak fake-it-til-you-make-it energy.

I don’t think my soul makes sense inside a body. idk how to explain it. I feel like I was meant to be an ocean or something but God put me in a body and I’m like huh??? HUH??? *sloshing noises*

As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.

And, what’s more, zest