if on a winters night some soup

i bet the vibe in NYC is immaculate right now

I’m sorry, “corn sweat”? You all got played. This was invented in a joint Uchicago/ Koch initiative to make people miserable. I push a button in a factory in Gary, IN and the whole Midwest suffers. I hate my job but it’s necessary.

happy birthday!

Joe Davis: this season just won’t end!
John Smoltz: the autumnal equinox will never happen.
Davis: we will grow old here.
Smoltz: and die before winter ever comes
David: to the bottom of the 11th we go!

Watching the first 9 game World Series

my wife: beautiful, creative, attending a secret vampire party thrown by powerful women, partying with beautiful friends.

me: comfy pants bread and butter

Enter Chorus.

Two evening snacks, both alike in disappointment
(In our comfy pants, where we lay our scene),
which is to say that they each kind of suck

hell yeah

you can't fire me, my daughter is too cute

There's a building on my block with a smoke alarm that sounds like it was designed by the Nuclear Energy Commission from the G.I. Joe universe. Might as well house a facility that is one step away from nuclear meltdown every other Tuesday. Maybe the roof will retract and a helicopter will emerge.

With a year of fatherhood under my belt I just want to say that when Jurassic 5 sings “while y’all drink the simulac my rhymes are breast fed” in Concrete Schoolyard, they are not speaking from a scientific perspective, formula is a wonder, and we should stop stigmatizing moms that don’t breastfeed.

My wife bought $30 grapes. That’s so expensive! This isn’t even the set up to a joke I just don’t get it. They are ok grapes. You can’t even eat the skin.

one week away from a year of fatherhood

This is actually why I am completely normal and have the accent of a 1960s news reporter: Bethlehem PA is 90 minutes north of Philly and 90 minutes west of Manhattan

eating a bowl of mixed nuts and seeds like a small animal with a quickly beating heart

you can't stop me from making the same joke more than once, i'm a dad now

"gooning" for my wife (replying "yess boss, right away, boss) whenever she texts, doin the ol' two for you one for me, roughin up local shop keepers for protection money, etc)

We get closer to Time Trumpet every day

YouTube video by Jon Harvey A frightening glimpse of Tony Blair in 2031

youtu.be/WNa8yb0Q_fo?...

my daughter has acquired several highland cow stuffed animals of various sizes and we have named them "The McMoos"

I have not been able to think about the word at the end of this video—*without* thinking of this video—since I first watched it.

fuck gary. all my homies hate the grange

Strap a puppy to your chest all the time or an asthmatic pug

hell yeah way to go @nickmonty.bsky.social

YES I spend a small countries GDP just on wet wipes to clean up after my baby NO there’s no other option and I won’t be changing any of our behaviors

fucking giants

dont be mean to russel wilson he's an old man and clearly needed a nap

Listening to Sui Ishida’s Choujin-X playlist and suddenly Jason Mraz comes on and I can’t tell if this is a joke pulled by the compiler or if this mangaka just loves a skinny white guy in a bad hat

BBHMM:TG

Ok folks it’s time for giants football let’s get ready to be disappointed