Ryland

If they made Back to the Future now in 2025 when they went back in time it would be dinosaur times, because that's a lot more exciting

Lax Protocol: a Relaxed Jeremy Adventure

a tiny little Italian greyhound which is like the smallest dog with the longest legs and it's head is the head of a German shepherd because of a cruel form of recreational eugenics we have not even considered punishing people for

I saw a dog that was an Italian greyhound mixed with a German shepherd and I swear to God it looked exactly like this. Eyes pleading with anyone who passed Why Was I Made? Whose Cruel Amusement Do I Exist For?

It's good if every part of your body is clicking when you move, right? Desirable, even? As an outcome?

We've got New and we've got Jolly Old but it's not enough. Time for a third England. Bird England

First John Fetterman, then Graham Platner...I'm beginning to think there are no benevolent oafs in politics

Oh wow it's the episode of Home Improvement where they kill that drifter. You know they really killed that guy, right? His family was at the taping, Tim Allen adopted everybody, even the mom

Mirai Sentai Timeranger (2000)
Episode 1

my lover's father shot me with a powerful medical laser

I can't learn to drive because I don't think mentally or emotionally I could possibly handle getting a parking ticket. I'd cry and throw up until I died

If there's something wrong with your body that part of your body should glow red so you know to go to the doctor

I would love to have a pair of sunglasses that makes me more powerful, and evil

If you legally change your name to Mr. Poison it's basically impossible to get a fair trial

toilets are such a miracle. we would all be so sad all the time if they melted or something

when is someone finally gonna send me to fucking fashion week

can we all at least agree that no one should ever be criticized for any reason

it's crazy no show since GLOW has deployed the powerful psychic weaponry of a character played by Marc Maron slowly warming to someone

When I rise to power I'm going to do McCarthyism but only for actors who tried to distance themselves from having been in the Cats movie after everybody thought it was weird. What movie did you cowards think you were making

hot AND cold brown

An old man reminiscing about when streaming services had more stuff on them than just AI generated footage of your own death done lots of different ways

I don't know if I've ever been as delighted by seeing what a celebrity does on computer than when I saw Diane Keaton's Instagram was mostly just videos of her going to swap meets and dancing in a big empty room with a huge wooden cross in it. RIP big dog

I just lost all my money funding an expedition to find the legendary Sword of Friendship only to be told MONTHS LATER there are no legends about a sword called that

I'm very proud of everyone for not allowing themselves to be gaslit into thinking Tron is a big deal like with the last time they did a Tron. It's never important to watch or know about Tron

🐶: “Very spooky! A corpse is a dead body.”

They should invent a toilet for garbage and it all dumps out into the core of the Earth so it gets bigger, which I assume would be good

To my critics I would simply like to say: silence, fiends!

I know I say this a lot but if I could grow them back I would absolutely love to chop one of my fingers off. I'd do it every year on New Years Eve

is this a dinner where you watch tapirs fuck. Are they doing Eyes Wide Shut shit at the zoo in Canada

okay sorry if you all knew this but I'm just finding out that Michael Mann looks like if you hit Werner Herzog with a De-Weirding Ray and it's fuckin with me

I hope if they ever name a law after me it's a nice one. Ryland's Law means everyone has to help turtles or something. I don't want anybody shuddering thinking about what Happened to me