flamby ✨🐝🔪

I just called
To say
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU

The terrible is coming from inside the house. And outside the house. And the ice cream shop. And theme parks. It’s terrible everywhere, I think.

watching lord of the rings again bc sméagol just looks really good topless

fuck nudes, show me your fall foliage

when our ancestors were like "make the water over the fire taste like what we put in the water," they were really cookin

Thanks for the dry handjob in the Arby’s parking lot, Geoff.

Who called it a "ghost ship" instead of a "grave-y boat"?

Gemini: Sorry you didn’t get raptured. Jesus was going to bring you until 10,000 people signed a petition against it.

if bsky tanks i guess i’ll go back to saying stupid, weird, uncomfortable things to various cashiers and waitstaff

A world without Caesars. Except for myself, of course. Now Brutus, fetch me my dagger.

one trick to staying off bluesky and being productive is to have nothing to say

"i'm going to mastodon" ok yeah and i'm going to threads i guess we're all just saying words now

so the movie alien is actually about pregnancy right

Today’s horoscope: idiot.

Isn't there a CEO crisis line you can call?

Asked to leave Yoga for saying "that's a stretch" six times

a mime is perfect to take control of a ship because they can lead a mute-iny

Is everyone from Wisconsin a serial killer?

Storms make me horny. Is this a mental illness?

I love that happiness is so elusive, but you can find disappointment absolutely anywhere.

If you’re funny online you die in real life

you can take a bath in any liquid. they can't stop you

the tumble setting on a dryer can be used to make cement but only once

pretty crazy that la croix has more flavor than jay has a backbone

Talking to some people is like saying Worcestershire sauce over and over.

Get in loser, we're going losing

thanks for the reminder sympathy is a knife is a banger tho

taylor just can't pull off singing about dicks sry

what if we all went goblin mode

I like getting spam texts from the UK, like wot's this silly li'il phone numbah you got 'ere, mate???