April

Which holiday are you celebrating today?

*gets pulled over*

Cop: do you know why I followed you?

Me: bc you thought I was funny

Cop: what?

Me: what???

It’s not ghosting when I get back to you in a few years.

2025 is the year that I stop living on other people’s deadlines. Not ready for a relationship? GREAT! Next! Can’t meet up tonight? Cool! I’m not available for the next 3 weeks. Living my life for me this year.

Exclusive: Bluesky is getting its own photo-sharing app, Flashes More good news for those looking to exit Meta's social app ecosystem in favor of a more open alternative: An independent developer is building a

Bluesky is getting its own photo-sharing app, Flashes

My phone just autocorrected

“How is your day going?!”

To “How is your day king?!”

ON FACEBOOK DATING!

Literally my first conversation exchange with this dude.

Kill me now.

Don’t tell me how *I’m* feeling, just because you fancy yourself an empath

Taking my dog to get neutered tomorrow and I’m concerned that he will bark in soprano moving forward.

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume?

Me: I was in an Ikea

A dating service for roofers called Single and Ready to Shingle.

My clothes don’t fit after Thanksgiving.

Bah Humbug

A Christmas Carol
By Charles Thickens

There should be an Out of Office Message for my face

if middle age had a slogan it would be “i should probably pee first”

*looks back seductively
walks into doorframe

Not to brag, but so far I have accomplished none of the things I wanted to get done today

I'm beginning to suspect that the world is not actually my oyster.

An old man wearing headphones sits on a park bench with a pelican.

"Are you going to take off those headphones so we can discuss this like mature adults, Harry? Or, are you just going to sit there like a petulant child?”

When your employer says "family comes first" they don't mean your family.

Big fupa energy

Things I can’t do anymore:

• Party like a rockstar
• Stay up past my bedtime
• Eat Taco Bell after said bedtime

My dinner was so good I patted my own self on the ass and then did the dishes for me. 🤣

I here for No Scale December.

I’ve got enough stress in my life.

If I cut bangs again, just know that it’s only because I couldn’t scrape together enough money for Botox.

Tonight I’m gonna go straight to the inevitable and sleep with my tank top around my waist

I’m just going to take a page from my Shih Tzu’s book and start sneezing at people when I demand their attention

If the recipe you’re using references “Oleo” it’s from the best generation of bakers. 🤌👵

"stop reusing your old tweets!"

- ppl who never had good tweets