Luigi Van Peebles

your body may deteriorate as you get older but at least you also slowly lose all your friends

Don’t send me an unsolicited picture of your peewee cocktapus unless you want me to…
A: find your mom’s Facebook
B: find a picture she uploaded of you reminiscing about what a nice young man you were
C: badly photoshop that into a locket
D: convince you I’m your daughter.

Happy Father’s Day Daddy.

incredible things are happening in China

A DVD of the movie Powder.

When I was in college, we had a gag where any time someone couldn't remember a movie name, we'd suggest they were talking about Powder. Then one year, my brother got me this for my birthday. Good times.

No... No!!

Discreetly opening Shazam while the wait staff sings Happy Birthday.

I think the greatest movie that we'll never get to see is: shadowy black ops agents repeatedly attempting to murder Clark Kent, because he's breaking a huge story about tech-adjacent, governmental corruption, and repeatedly (ludicrously) failing, because they have no idea he's Superman

I always carry some loose marbles in my pocket in case a hippo tries to eat me

interviewer: how are your listening skills?

me: absolutely

911, what is your emergency?

Okay, promise you won’t be mad, though?

after days of grifters and con men at CES we stumbled upon the booth for VLC. they were all dressed as wizards and told us, "we have nothing to sell, we just decided to show up". i told them I'd been using their software to pirate media for 15 years and they said "keep doing that"

why'd they name this app bluesky when Elders Scroll was right there

The two best songs about someone named Kenneth are REM's "What's the Frequency, Kenneth?" and Men at Work's "Who Kenneth Be Now?”

when death plays a prank they shout SCYTHE

To all of my Jewish friends, Happy Hanukkah.

To all of my dyslexic Jewish friends, Happy Chaka Khan.

I'm looking at this beautifully lit tree with a burned out star on top. This tree, this star and I, we have some shit in common

Spelled schadenfreude wrong and everyone laughed at me

Hyperbole is destroying our civilization.

'Like a miracle': N.C. couple free of nearly $100,000 medical debt after 15 years The lien on Donna and Gary Lindabury's home for a 2009 heart surgery debt was among 11,500 wiped away by Atrium Health after an NBC News report.

North Carolina’s Atrium Health says it will forgive the debts of 11,500 people — less than a week after NBC News reported that the company has aggressively pursued former patients’ medical debts, placing liens on their homes to collect on bills.

Homeschoolers should have to pay double property taxes to offset the cost of regular kids having to explain everything to them later

There should be a Game Award category “Brought Comfort To Millions Of Introverted Middle-Aged Dads.”

Every year it’d be won by a title called something like “Cement Truck Driver Simulator” and part of the game is passing 30 hours of OSHA certification

swiss seismologist: it’s nobody’s fault

I'm afraid it's bad news sir, noone has liked your reply.

sorry, can’t. busy putting stickers on the back of my Subaru

[first date]

him: tell me a little about yourself

her: I’m a veterinarian

him: I’ve never been to veterinaria

her: no I work with animals

him: I hate my coworkers too

her: check please

NYPD officials say a massive, citywide hunt for overtime pay is underway.