puffin

[Dinner]

MY WIFE: Oh, do your Trump impression!
ME: No, no
JOHN: He does a Trump?!
STACY: Let’s hear it!
JIM: Do it!
SARAH: Come on!
ME: Oh, alright... (thick brooklyn accent) Chiina! We’re going to Chiina! And we’re going to make Billions !
MY WIFE: (cracking up)
JOHN, STACY, JIM, SARAH: … Haha

would love to see the mri brain scans of cuomo voters projected in 70mm imax. a dazzling constellation of immolating lobes and irradiated neurons convulsing in electric swamps

i hate it when the doctor hits me with a hammer because it’s always the wrong bone that springs up !

(i hit send post & sigh. enter the garage. car’s already running. as the exhaust purrs, one last thought comes to me. i pull out my phone)

julia child draftkings ad

(I smile, and pass away.

We’re Building A Ballroom

just got the saab washed, waxed, and leather conditioned

now i see why he was so defensive

To my friend Jane Goodall. Rest now sister. We have the watch and I'll see you in Valhalla.

SHUG TRONKER: (fastening cross necklace, chomping cigar, pumping shotgun) Let’s hunt some motherfucking vampires.

ME: Just a second, Shug. (bending to tie my shoes) … (mumbling) The rabbit goes under the woods and then… Over… Grandma’s house…?…

SHUG: ... Do you need help?

ME: I’ve got this, Shug.

bugs bunny in drag seducing seal team 6 and they all start shooting each other trying to get a piece of that

just reached out to Mr. Kimmel. i expressed my deep sympathy and offered to let him post on my Bluesky account at least once a month until he lands on his feet. it’s important he still has a platform to speak out.

walking into a dark room where everyone i love jumps out with noisemakers and confetti and unfurls a banner reading "INTELLECTUALLY INCAPABLE OF STANDING TRIAL"

buttguys won’t let me copy & paste but heres screenshots of my favorite posts i did there

oops. just realized the 300 posts I’ve made in the last month that i thought i was putting here on bluesky.com I’ve accidentally been posting on “buttguys.co.nz”.

i challenge you to do worse. Let's make the world worse

… Listen. I’m sorry I asked your mother “what was it like when you killed Gandalf the grey”. She wasn’t supposed to get what I was implying.

My wife: (arms crossed) She owns all three extended cuts. On Blu-Ray.

Me: And I feel like it’s an honest mistake on my part that I assumed that she didn’t

VILLAGER A: Lovely day today!

VILLAGER B: La la! I'm going to school!

VILLAGER C: My mother isn't back yet. I hope she hasn't gone into the Snails' Den.

VILLAGER D: I'm busy.

VILLAGER E: This town hasn't been the same since the Empire invaded.

VILLAGER F: You can sneak past snails by holding 🅑.

Massive! Congratulations man, hope to see the short one day (soundtrack goes crazy btw, you & the siblings cooked up something special)

this came to me in a dream.

MY FAVORITE COUSIN, JIM: I do.
PASTOR: And do you, Mary, take James as your lawful husband? Long as you both shall live?
THE WOMAN WHO KNOWS I LIED ABOUT HAVING LONG COVID TO GET OUT OF SEEING HER IMPROV SHOW IN 2022 AND BRINGS IT UP EVERY TIME I SEE HER, MARY: I do.
ME: (staring at the floor

KEN: In Roman times, worshipping at the altar of this gargantuan wad was thought to increase one’s virility—if you could withstand its smell.
JIM: …
DAVE: …
ZOEY: … 🔴
KEN: Zoey.
ZOEY: What is the Missa Antiqua?
KEN: Yes! Missa Antiqua—The Ancient Mass.
ZOEY: Let’s do Jazz Standards for 1000, please

KEN: Answer—Daily Double!
JIM: I’ll wager $51.
KEN: This gelatinous mass washed ashore in 1896 Florida. Initially thought to be an octopus carcass, it turned out to be a matrix of whale blubber.
JIM: … What is the St. Augustine Monster?
KEN: Yes! You’re in the lead now with $102.
JIM: Globs for 6,

Billy Crystal is going to die tomorrow

JIM: Globs for $200, please.
KEN JENNINGS: Beware of this dangerous red ooze, which has been depicted on film twice.
JIM: What is The Goop?
KEN: No!
ZOEY: What is The Slime?
KEN: No.
DAVE: What is The Muck?
KEN: Beware of *The Blob*. The Blob. Jim, you’ve still got the board.
JIM: Globs for 400,

your 20s are about finding yourself. your 30s are about doing coke a little less. your 40s are finally finding a good barber. your 50s are about taking a surf lesson. your 60s & 70s are talking about how old you are in womens mentions on bluesky. And your 80s are about making Gladiator 2.

glad to have you back and hope you’re feeling better.

Me: I’m at a loss. My marriage is a quilt of lies and my son mocks my transatlantic accent at every impasse… Open the Doordash and deliver me three pints of bourbon, neat.

Chat gpt: I’m sorry. Mr. Altman prevents me from assisting individuals with Transatlantic accents.

Me: You silly little robut

Hemingway: (incoherently drunk, solemnly handing me a crumpled bar napkin with the world's saddest 6 word story scribbled on it, desperately seeking some sort of connection, even with a stranger in a bar)

Me: (illiterate, gesturing vaguely) I Love This

@worldofmovies.bsky.social
Would you rather live in a world with no movies or no music 🤔

@billboardhot5000.bsky.social (quote tweet)
this is so funny to me bc i know worldofmovies irl and all he talks about is how he likes music a lot more than movies lmao

@worldofmovies (dm)
Please stop, Colin