Patches

HUGE Mandela effect phenomenon in my life: I could have sworn the Chili's "I want my baby back baby back baby back" jingle was a parody of an actual popular doo-wop song but no, it is an original composition

ME: what's the recommended number of cookies to eat when I wake up randomly at 3 am?

DOCTOR: um ... zero

ME: oh wow ok I was way off

[Couples' Counselling]

My wife: "I'm leaving if he doesn't stop talking in corporate cliches."

Me (in tears): "Please don't downsize our unit!"

GUY TALKING ON HIS CELL: the cops want to pay my company to reconstruct a murder scene

ME: *under my breath* they're gonna make a killing

C'mon you know better

Perhaps today will be Good™️ instead of the usual Very Bad™️

If growing up Catholic taught me anything, it's that it's perfectly safe for 300 people to drink from the same cup as long as you give the rim a little wipe with a napkin each time.

Everyone seems allergic to the word, but Charlie Kirk was not an activist, he was a propagandist. Turning Point was a meme factory backed by a billionaire designed to steer kids towards Christian Nationalism. He didn’t advocate for policy; he spun narratives to change beliefs. Propaganda.

It's not hard.

Murder and acts of political violence are wrong.

AND ... making money and harming real people by mainstreaming bigotry, misogyny, and fascism, while also promoting violence, are also wrong.

AND ... that the latter leads to the former is not surprising.

I wasn't done reading Codependent No More but I returned it early anyway because Libby said two people were waiting 😭

When your friend tells you he's gonna be a dad the polite reply is "Congratulations, idiot."

Coda pendant

Making them wear high-visibility vests over camo is such a good joke you couldn’t write it

I'm sorry, but if the phrase "wash out the pan" appears anywhere in your "one-pan" recipe, then legally it is not a one-pan recipe.

those french fries were horrible and I should know I ate every last one of them

Biscuit. Triscuit. Quadriscuit. Quintiscuit...

My cat when we close the bedroom door

I love how in spring trees just spooge everywhere and we humans are all like oh no not in my eyes achoo

ME: hey I can't find my phone, can you call it for me

FRIEND: it's right there on the table

ME: [changed the ringtone last night to the theme from Night Court] just do it

Perhaps my biggest irrational fear as a child was becoming a professional baseball player and having some kid with a terminal disease ask me to hit a home run for him and I'm like sure kid then go 0-4 with 3 Ks

Moby Dick wasn't the only song to make me fall in love with rock tracks with no lyrics, but it was instrumental.

helpful graphic re: severe weather. stay safe my friends

[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords

Innocent protesters are arrested for their political views while fans of Steely Dan walk free make it make sense

LPT: Leave. For anywhere. Just go. Tonight.

Sure I could spend all day reading choose your own adventure books but to what end?

I can't make fried rice in the microwave anymore because of wok.

you’re fired. wait you’re rehired. email us a list of things you’ve done today wait forget it you’re fired again. come back your job was important. you’re fired. or hired. come in to the office. wait the office has no computers go home. we are the department of government efficiency.

Whenever my dog goes poop I say to him "Whew! What have you been eating, dog food??" This is what I do for fun.