john

her: any idea why there were so many police helicopters flying over our house last night?

me: *taking a wooden spoon out of the dishwasher* someone must've done something really bad

him: let's shake on it

me: ok *spits on hand*

him: why did you spit on my hand?

Remember the good ole days when the worst thing a president did was 9/11

that's right, your wife left you because you needed 2 trips to bring the groceries in from the car

It's important for men to talk about feelings but also to shut the fuck up

why they give school buses such huge ass?

[screaming at the top of my voice] I'm NOT grumpy

waiter: would you like to allow the wine to breathe?

albert desalvo: no

me: I crashed into another car

her: was it moving?

me: yes, I was very upset

carefully and agonisingly trying to decide which side to take between the one that is doing genocide and the one that genocide is being done to

in the middle of an important meeting I pass my boss a post-it note. It simply says 'girl cats have wherskers'. He nods

just gonna get a glass of water from the kitchen and drink it on my way back so I can sit back down on the sofa with an empty glass

kraken: *awakes*

kraken: *hits snooze*

just experienced a home invasion and I never want to go through that again. what if I'd been caught?

buying a dead houseplant to save myself all the trouble

why don't snakes just roll downhill sideways?

using a hotdog as an intercom to say "janice, cancel my 2 o'clock" and then eating it

hello 911, I saw a bee

me: I want to have sex with you

her: let's wait til we're married

priest: yes, can we get on with the ceremony please

[1st day of tuba class]
me: *holding a potato* I've made a mistake

In the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they never should've taken that away

Remember the good ole days when the worst thing a president did was 9/11

gymnastics is ok but they should also do different types of nastics

her: I'm worried you're going to ruin our wedding

me: why?

her: you always mess up the most important words

me: do I?

her: exactly

swimming is so embarrassing everyone can see you want to be alive

Obama 2028

[looking at myself in the mirror] how dare you

me: nice dog, can I give him a pet?

him: sure

me: *places a hamster next to his dog* there you go, buddy

dog: thanks

[I get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says "I'm leaving and i'm taking the kids"]

me: [unplugs fridge from power outlet] you're not going anywhere, you piece of shit

my kid: I had a spelling test today

me: how did you do?

my kid: I got an A for effort

me: *disappointed* no, it's an E