Potentate Hawtshot

JESUS: “and do you see where there is just one set of footprints?”
ME: *nods*
JESUS: “It was then that I injured my back carrying you. So I called Attorney Jim Adler, The Texas Hammer, and he thinks I may be entitled to compensation”

Perfect. I don't like Fred

Pro tip. You can just say you're from Harvard. If you want

"Some boys take a beautiful girl
And hide her away from the rest o' the world
I wanna be the one to walk in the sun"
Shouldn't we be concerned? You want to take her place, I say we form a a rescue party

thanks so much to the very awesome @te-kanawa.bsky.social for purchasing my Trans Lives Matter shirt - you can buy YOUR VERY OWN at bornmiserable.threadless.com/designs/tran...; reminder that 100% of the proceeds go to the Trevor Project and the Center For Transgender Equality DO GOOD I HAVE SPOKEN

No. Your addiction is your worst enemy.
I think you should name it. Maybe Sam? or Lucifer?

Always feel sorry for giraffes in this weather. Scarves are prohibitively expensive and a steaming bowl of delicious warming soup or stew is cold by the time you've finished swallowing.

I don't like when bad things happen, but I also don't like when dumb things happen, so my employment options are limited.

muting anything with bad vibes 😘

Pro tip: when serenading a young lady you are courting, hire an ugly guy to play the guitar.

Does The Bible not teach us "He who has not any medical insurance shan't receive ER care"?

Sorry you asked me to make a hall pass list and I just wrote down your mom’s name five times.

American wizard schools are not allowed to teach defense against the dark arts because it’s “woke”

Cat screaming at a bag of groceries WHY IS IT SO EXPENSIVE

Black and white cat almost upside down, you can see his lil pink none and fuzzy paws

I don't know what most of you are talking about and frankly I don't want to know, I'm just gonna gaze at my kitty. For my mental health

With frenemies like these, who needs enefriends?

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement "helps with memory loss" but I'm still remembering stuff

Are you, though? There's always new discoveries to be made

What if the meaningful connection you make is with....yourself??!

Close up of ridged white fur on my cat's side face and shoulder

Texture

I feel the same way about the first part there. My life is going ok right now, and I hope yours will be soon too

If you were living a wonderful, satisfying life, then found out it was only in your head or created just for you and didn't affect the real world or anyone else at all, how would you feel?

Complete silence is more condemning than boos.

don’t just shut down the government. replace it completely. erase the existing government. perform a clean install of the government. run periodic scheduled scans of the government for any dumb motherfuckers and remove them immediately.

This time of year I always think I should buy a beret, but my bangs will NOT allow it

An actor, (Drew Barrymore) from the movie Scream is yelling into the phone “representative!”

“RE-PR-SENT-A-TIVE!!!”

I think the worst part of being murdered wouldn't be the death part, but... this guy WANTS to hurt my feelings??

I left twitter awhile ago

Wait wait wait....is this how Ozzy came up with "Crazy" Train? Loco?? Do I need to look up what exactly locomotion means?

Sunday mood