Luke Jarret

Funny comic strip. Message from a dating profile with a photo of a person holding a fish, “let’s meet up!” Meets up and finds a large catfish waiting for them at a dinner table, “alright, the pic is a little old”. Illustration drawn in simplistic cartoon line art style. By Amii Illustrates.

[willem dafoe unprompted] now, this cookie monster. [toothy smile] what a creature, what a lust. it consumes him. [crosses legs] he’s really a tragic figure.

narwhal: *impales a fish* yes.

narwhal: *now has to eat the fish that’s still impaled* wait.

patient: i thought you said you were a doctor

me [mixing pills indiscriminately]: i said i’m practicing medicine

i’m on cloud 9. first 8 got hacked so i’m pretty upset

me [coughing blood into white handkerchief]: i feel the seaside air may invigorate my spirit

boss: you don’t need to ask for time off this way

Funny comic strip. A person drills a nail into a wall and hangs up a photo frame. Admiring their successful DIY work, they say “… I am unstoppable”. Illustration drawn in simplistic cartoon line work. By Amii Illustrates.

The water pistol from Rudolph. Someone filled him with jelly and then acted like it was a personal flaw of his.

The water pistol that squirts jelly did not belong on the Island of Misfit Toys. Just stop filling him with jelly, you idiots.

Mom, can you pick me up? They are claiming you are promiscuous and lecherous.

My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta.

I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

I love when the subtitles tell you what kind of mood the music is evoking.

friend: i said slumber party

me [dropping pile of scrap wood]: that makes more sense

me: how’d the date go

friend: i got ghosted

me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out

watched a documentary on pbs called penguin post office like 12 years ago and this line has casually strolled in and out of my mind ever since

Happy 99th birthday to Dick Van Dyke, inventor of the DVD player.

[first rodeo]

me: i can’t wait until I have more experience with this

cop: we’ve had reports of you impersonating an officer

me: wₑ’ᵥₑ ₕₐd ᵣₑₚₒᵣₜₛ ₒf yₒᵤ ᵢₘₚₑᵣₛₒₙₐₜᵢₙg ₐₙ ₒffᵢcₑᵣ

cop [welling up]: quit it

me: i would like to buy these craft supplies please

michael: no these are mine

[ominously] now the jingle hop has begun

Being held for questioning sounds so nice

oh, the bill? do worry about paying. we got you uncovered. your money's so good here. it's off the house

911: what’s your emergency

Me: I DO NOT HAVE ANY CRUNCHY SNACKS

911: sir you are going to die

Review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
"Only one star"

Teacher: where's your homework?

Me: I, uhhh, forgot to do it

My dog [under my desk holding a gun]: good good

me: the wetness on the outside of the soda can is actually tears because the drink is dying

them: I think that’s just condensation

me: i’m not talking down to you i’m trying to inform

[Pompeii 79 AD]

me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. nothing could ruin this day.

waldo [at the gym]: can you spot me

my neurons are firing they just have the aim of a stormtrooper

*watching James Blunt mouth "not you" to me after singing You're Beautiful in concert*

Me *orders our food fluently in Italian to impress my date*

McDonalds drive-thru employee: what