pat tobin

Yeah this was a jacket I bought. Like, I’ll be good with just the one jacket fellas

ME: (buys single item from a company)
COMPANY: (later that day) Hey check this out & buy it
ME: No, company, I bought the one item I desired
COMPANY: (outside my house, trying to push the window open) Hey guy, did you buy that other thing yet? (struggling to fit thru gap in window)

A decision was made here and instantly regretted

Just found out these two were married at one point. They both love being on television. Their dinner conversation was probably like “so honey, were you in any television today?”

Folks, you can’t go wrong with peanuts, that classic legume

It’s just bread that’s got sugar on it, you fry it and put maple syrup on it, like pancakes. It’s incredible tbh

“Honey how many French toast sticks do we need?”

“I don’t know, like 90-105 I’d say? Actually you know what, just to be safe grab another 3.5 pounds”

I know, just used and abused the entire show, glad we got the movie to close out his story, gonna rewatch that next!

Just finished another rewatch of Breaking Bad and this gets me every time

I want one of those now as an adult

[Christmas morning]
CEO OF BIC: What did Santa Claus bring you kids?
KID 1: Razors!
KID 2: Ballpoint pens!
KID 3: A lighter!

Whoever named the woodpecker: great job, no notes

There was a band, not sure if they’re still around, called Mellowdrone and they did a wild take on this song just titled Fall on Your Knees

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

Aging Matt Damon GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY Discover & share this Aging Matt Damon GIF with everyone you know. GIPHY is how you search, share, discover, and create GIFs.

I work in customer service and this is me every December holiday period
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Ask your doctor if the human condition is right for you

CELLMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “Hopefully a great time.”

Just clocking out from the nuclear waste factory and boy are my arms fourteen legs.

Manager: Your fired
Me: *You're
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you

For those going home to visit family this weekend:

• Samsung calls it Auto Motion Plus
• LG calls it TruMotion
• Sony calls it Motionflow
• Roku calls it Action Smoothing
• Google TV calls it Motion Enhancement
• Vizio calls it Smooth Motion Effect.

*beetle opens front door for bug party guests*
BEETLE: Hey guys come on in! Could everyone please take off their shoes?
CENTIPEDE: Shit

Not a bad way to go if you’re in a final destination movie

Meat Loaf is cheesy for sure, but so good

Sure, why not

Lol

"I'm the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit" "Not anymore" New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

Reminder of one of the darkest moments in history

YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE'S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody's worried about u

My wife used to work for this super old dude and one day he had an X-Files hat on at the office. She says to him “You like the X-Files too?” And he goes “what’s the X-Files?” And she says “your hat” and he says “oh I found this on the beach”