Uncle Kermit

If I found one of those doorways to another world like Narnia, I'd probably end up at the bottom of the ocean or in outer space.

The worst kind of bath is a bloodbath.

a comic panel, a dark night, a woman running through the woods saying "dick--oh, dick! I must--get--dick! (pant, pant) I MUST!"

we've all been there, girl

I think the guy from the garage door company commercials should say all the syllables in garage, not “Grage.”

Invite a floating ominous orb into your home. Oh, it means you great harm. But you can probably get it to back down if you let it sit in your microwave for half an hour.

Somewhere in a candy factory, the guy packing the fudge is tired of the jokes.

When I was 13 we had to find our porno magazines in garbage cans. We didn't have any fancy world wide webs.

Wait, did you warm it up first?

I’m eating a bowl of sausage gravy for breakfast so yeah, I’ve completely given up.

Marge was the real hero of Jaws 2.

Why did that helicopter pilot in Jaws2 have a creepy Amish beard? No mustache equals creep in my book.

It traumatized me. Cute 70's chicks getting eaten by a monster.

I wonder who thought it was a good idea to take me to Jaws 2 when I was six? I definitely saw it in the theater, but I don't remember who I went with?

Well if you’re going to be an asshole then be the best asshole the world has ever seen.

It’s not worth the comment, it’s not worth the comment, it’s not worth the comment. Don’t argue with strangers on the internet, Jenn. Don’t. Do. It.

List called "Spammy but good" I've blocked out the name of the list maker The only account on the list is me

1st of all, I am not spammy. I am prolific and perhaps unwell. Spammy would be if I forced my prolifitude onto others through constant replies, which I do not do.
I keep my shit almost entirely on main, so if you don't like it, stay off my main.

2nd of all, yes, I just made up the word prolifitude.

Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, "I heard you were dead."

Alex on twitter writes: "Someone on Twitter writes: "You’re a menswear writer. You don’t know anything about manufacturing in America, or steel mills, or metallurgy, or CNC machining, or how anything is produced from raw material into a finished product in this country or anywhere. Stick to writing about “men’s fashion."" I reply: "i actually had a career in knifemaking before this. the reason why you can't avoid tariffs in knifemaking is because everyone relies on Gobelin machinery. are you aware of this?" Alex replies: "Gobelin machinery? What exactly are you referring to?" I reply: "you Gobelin DEEZ NUTS!"

"stick to menswear"

Why girls want to be mermaids No pants No bra No period Perfect hair Can lure men to their death...

SF Bay area says all I need to know.

It's for the prostitutes.

I can't imagine having enough money to travel anywhere in the world and then choosing to go to Dubai

Cure your depression by indiscriminately following everyone on bluesky

You're lucky, for some people it's hell. I don't know why, but it depends upon the person.

Wow, my math is a little fuzzy, but I'm about 6 months off benzos.
It hasn't been anywhere near as difficult as I thought it might be.
While there are things I miss, kicking feels great and it sure is nice not bugging about keeping plenty around so I didn't run out. Problem was, get a lot, do a lot

At my special parties for insiders I only serve boneless hotdogs.

If you see me posting after 10pm on a Sunday, just know I’ve given up on pretending to be a functioning adult.

Being known as "The guy who always carries a knife." in High school, isn't as cool as it sounds.

If you tried to follow them all back, they would accuse you of being a bot too, or following accounts that don't post, or some other metric they deem objectionable.