Lori

My hump day was less a vibe and more a preexisting condition.

It’s ok if you’re not telling, because I wasn’t asking.

Flex like you won’t be embarrassingly sore tomorrow.

Everything’s terrible but at least there’s less of it now, for more money.

I was having an episode but skipped ahead. Already seen that one.

You can’t sing or play an instrument but you start a band because you heard the term “dark urine” on a prescription med commercial and it just felt right.

I opened the fridge door once again looking for enlightenment.
Nope. I can’t believe it’s not Buddha.

kiss me, I’m a discontinued shape

Dilemma: I can only find one pair of reading glasses and I need reading glasses to fix my reading glasses.

I'd never get a chip implanted in my brain for fear of seeing funeral home commercials as I'm dying.

*wife gets home while I'm eating dinner alone*

Her: Did you feed the kids already?

Me: Not yet.

Wife: *crosses arms*

Me: Look, when the oxygen masks drop down on the plane, who do you put it on first? Hmm?

I still kiss my wife on the lips when she's sick because I hope that shit will kill me.

My favorite thing to do when it's cold outside . . . is not to go outside.

I'm old enough now where I can fake old people sleep to avoid awkward situations.

Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU'VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don't forget about me.

You can learn a lot about a person just by whether they have their phone muted or not.

It's sad that Brian the emu was ostrichsized by the other birds.

Never be afraid to avoid new things.

I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.

All those missing socks didn't prepare me for the missing Aquaman Underoo bottoms.

As soon as the tide comes back in it's over for you beaches.

I would write about myself more but I don't like to get involved in other people's problems.

I scampered out of the hermit's cave with recluse abandon.

me: *eating fresh mackerel* this must be what penguin tastes like

When you find yourself in bear country always carry a steak to throw at any hungry grizzlies that cross your path so they know how delicious you will be.

If you assume that I am just that stupid then everything I do suddenly makes so much more sense.

The best way to avoid getting caught drinking on the job is by not going to work at all.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Take her shopping for his and her coffins on the first date to show how committed you are to making the relationship work.

Alcohol may not solve all life’s problems but conducting an in-depth investigation just to be sure is a hill I’m prepared to die on.

I can’t stop thinking about the babysitter. Mostly I wonder when she'll figure out that I'm never coming back.