Lori

They won't tell you this, but if you're already autistic and take Tylenol, you gain one random superpower

[MANLY COMMERCIAL GUY VOICE] You might not be able to escape woke, but you can run it down in the new Ford F-150. The F stands for "Fuck Your Feelings"

The best thing to do right now is eat at least five cookies

Someone send me a barrel of queso. For scientific reasons.

I may not be able to help you connect to the wifi but I can adjust the tracking on yer VCR

whenever I make a joke on this website with a reference to 70-80s culture I feel like the stand ups that used to reference old vaudeville routines

Whenever I tell my kids they are putting the cart before the horse they look at me with dead eyes so I know it's time for me to explain how horse transportation worked

Line?

As one door closes another one shuts.

I knaa am a big fat gadgie, but divvint forget I am still pure dead luvly! Who wudn’t want a cuddle off this, like?

Whenever I feel alone I try to remind myself that my parents are looking down on me with love and hoping that one day I’ll find happiness with a special someone, and that when I do I’ll finally let them out of the attic.

having things named after you is awesome unless it’s a mountain pass

sorry when your wedding DJ shouted “DO THE WORM!” I acted like I was dying on a sidewalk

“breast milk” implies that we can milk other body parts

if aliens find that gold record we sent into space they’re gonna think our tech sucks. we should’ve at least included a tape or CD

why does ancient cave art get so much attention it’s so basic

I realized I might be a slightly aggressive driver… when my 3-year-old yelled, “Pick a lane, knucklehead!” while riding in the grocery cart at Walmart.

Used my guy friend’s deodorant and now I want a sandwich and my crotch is itchy

Only people with evil hearts and impure intentions get tummy aches after Taco Bell

men did greater things when boobs were harder to see

I’m a little low on outrage. Think I’ll head to the grocery store for a fresh batch.

I found my ice cream in the refrigerator. Guessing it’s all downhill from here.

A little nervous you guys, she told me the safeword is worcestershire

(disgusted) Ugh, it's like nobody wants to twerk anymore

Wanting to honk shoo but forced to pew pew

Summer work BBQ ended with being sent to HR for maintaining too much eye contact when I asked my boss if I was allowed to use my teeth on this Weiner

making tonight's leftovers sound more fancy by calling them "twice grilled" hot dogs

at the glorious time of my life when I think 'what an adorable old lady' then immediately wonder if we are the same age

Me, winking, more like wet ath thocket, ammawhite??

my dentist: 😐

are we all still going to the lobby to get snacks or did y’all smuggle stuff in too