Nutella The Hun🇹🇼

Polystyrene is a beautiful name for a girl

Wearing Realtree Crocs in public is like saying ‘yeah, I fish emotionally.’

CUM CRANE 🏗️

Cum crane

skeleton draped over a taco bell table with a speech bubble that reads “baja blast me”

logging off

Feeling better after a little therapeutic Wolfenstein

i don’t want a vacation i want to be lightly sedated and placed beneath a tree

How to stay safe during an encounter with police:

1. Wear glasses
2. Say "you wouldn't hit a guy with glasses"

The raccoon cake pop from Starbucks does not taste like real raccoon

i think i like jelly donuts because they trigger my predator instincts — i see them bleed and i know they are prey.

I like women like I like black mold : in my walls and willing to kill me

No, I’m not calm. I’ve just given up.

The woke mob wants me arrested for being stinky

the chimps doing a 21 banana salute for jane goodall

Gingivitis is a beautiful name for a boy

Angrily emailing burt because the lip balm i just ate tastes like artificial bees

It came to me in a dream that the source of all minion memes is Omaha, Nebraska

so gollum was a pescatarian what's the big deal

Robert Redford took my lunch money

Spice up a lunch date by passing a note, “I'm wearing a wire.”

My day just got better and we all know why

Can’t believe the bank would foreclose my house despite our 3211 day snap streak

at the bending factory there are no breaks

By age 30, you should have a magic act, your own ministry, some prostitute friends, and an omnipotent, all-loving father who orchestrates your crucifixion

An older woman sits in the back of a pickup truck.

We swore we weren’t gonna get another grandma after the last one died, but when we saw this one at the shelter, we just knew we had to have her.

If you want to get to know me, the only info you need is that I’m a Gemini and my body contains about 40000 calories if we have to resort to cannibalism

I scream. You scream. We all pick our noses in the car.

*Bee Gees voice*

The first twenty people at my funeral can have a finger or toe while supplies last

Dentist: *screaming*

Gift-horse: “I fuckin’ warned you, man”

Tony Soprano: you bring the gabagool?

me: *pushing the Babadook out the door before Tony can see him* haha yeah just a second