Void Destroyer

I like to leave a little pee in the tip of my dick after I go to the bathroom so I’m front-loaded for the next time.

Shrinkflation sounds like when you know somebody’s gonna see your dick so you give it a couple preemptive tugs for good measure.

Ok but who spanks Arthur?

Follow my teeny tiny account with your massive, juicy, throbbing account, baby.

My favorite thing about Jesse Plemmons is that we never have to look at Matt Damon’s stupid fucking face ever again. Also I’ve been done with Ben Affleck since they tried to make his sad ass Batman lol.

Im in my high chair (the recliner i sit in when I'm high)

Personal hotspot? You mean a Dutch oven?

Wet floor signs in bathrooms are a little dumb. I mean, don’t you just expect the floors in public bathrooms to be wet? They should have dry floor signs for bathrooms.

I’m actually only really a fan of the emperor’s earlier grooves

Led Zeppelin ripped these guys off

The idea of Trump trying to use chopsticks is actually funny as hell if you think about it

You are forgiven for your shredded cheese sins, and also know that I am taking notes.

You’re all pronouncing “Chloë” wrong but I’m not going to tell you the correct way.

I think 3 should be the maximum number of zit stickers you can wear on your face at a time.

Freddy Mercury would’ve loved Another One Rides The Bus

My favorite Simon & Garfunkel album is the live one where they both just dunk on each other the whole time

People who say “WELL” after you say “good, you?” after they ask you how you’re doing are neat.

A sale tag grocery store-style that says “Ginger Le Spritz”

Lost Bond girl

It says “suspended on social media…”

Apparen not a buttock fulker exclusively, per se

A picture of our beloved Munch, an elegant young gray tuxedo cat. He’s looking up at us from a blue and white outdoor rug and he knows he’s the most charming guy on the block.

Munch says “Happy Caturday!”

You can pick his nose though. Don’t tell him I said that.

There aren’t nearly enough famous kazoo players.

You can Pat Mahomes or you can Pat ma ass but you can’t Pat Mahomes’ ass.

No, I wouldn’t walk in the street if there is a sidewalk. If there’s a bike lane then there is legal protection for you and your bicycle. Why do I have the feeling that your whole thing is commenting false equivalencies on strangers’ posts?

Then keep being a person on a bike who hates pedestrians I guess?

People who ride bikes on sidewalks and people who lie about having service dogs end up in the same circle of hell I don’t make the rules

There should be multiple Warriors sequels. This is bullshit.

Birkencrocs

Gonna do a little honk-shooing, if you catch my drift. Night, weirdoes