they can all be bangers if you people would just lower your standards

The eye contact between you and the man in the bottom right …

I reserve the right to be interested in anything that interests me

Next up: seasoned breadcrumbs

Football coaches refusing to dress warmly enough is one of my favorite genres of pointless displays of “toughness”.

My criticism of you is always constructive.

Your criticism of me is always rude, wrong and unwelcome.

Have we got that straight?

Writers of literally every procedural detective show vindicated.

I can’t even tell you the funniest things I do but just know… I’m funny sometimes

*high fives the guy who came up with the word titillating*

The version of The Grinch featured in the Walmart ads might be the worst thing of all time.

Brother and his family just FaceTimed. He announced they had started their Christmas Movie marathon. First on the list: “Alvin and the Chipmunks”.

On a related note: how do the different levels of broke compare? Is broke as hell more broke than broke as shit? What about broke as fuck?

Avoiding Black Friday shopping because of my principled stance of being broke as shit.

Me: So like, did you get bitten by a piano?

Billy Joel: Don't ever speak to me again.

My theory of: If I had just one day to rest and recover, I could finally kick this cold remains untested

Exhibit A

A theory: all Warren Zevon songs are Thanksgiving songs because Warren Zevon has big Uncle Making A Scene energy

the "24 hours of Elf" countdown ticker on TBS right now is so threatening

The Cowboys have a lot to answer for. But winning back to back exciting games, and giving hope to their fans… that’s truly horrible behavior.

The way Brits react to people making tea “wrong”, the way Italians react to people breaking pasta rules, should be mocked endlessly

we at Company are so thankful for your money. speaking of

The Pillsbury Dough Boy float at the Macy's Parade

He is risen

Parking lots now feature “!WARNING ! ICE PRESENT” signs and you don’t know if it’s due to the temperature or the fascism.

So. Turkey Day is in 2 days. I need all y’all Millenials and GenX to dig deep down and remember the countless times you said “O’Doyle rules!” and quoted Austin Powers and laughed at 69.

‘Memba?

Now, when your Gen Z/Alpha fam show up doing 6-7, I need you to SHUT THE FUCK UP and LET EM HAVE FUN.

screaming FUCK YOU into a banana phone

When Frustration Threatens Desire, by Kerry James Marshall, 1990, 📸 by @drewhallowell

Come on Baker, you gotta make that tackle!

Laying a flashlight on the floor is a great way to suddenly feel terrible about your ability to keep your home clean

Why would you catch that punt?!

For me, it was the ride home from said cafe when the chill was ruined