Draconian Hustle

Don’t you hate it when you’ve just decapitated your arch-enemy in a duel, on the edge of a mountain but when you hold his head up by the hair to wave in front of your army, it’s facing in the wrong direction?

Be the change you wish to see in the fountain

whenever i can’t find Waldo i just pretend he ran off with Carmen Sandiego and turn the page

STADIUM SECURITY: Sir, we’ve got a streaker.

ME [solving two problems at once]: *loads T-shirt gun*

I like to think Hogan is not in heaven or hell, but waiting eternally for a 3 count.

If you've seen one drunk girl in heels you've seen them fall.

Either that or a naked Arnold Schwarzenegger will suddenly show up & walk into a biker bar

I kind of had a rock star moment when someone asked me to autograph their breast
But my wife was standing next me so I had to tell the guy no

25 clowns: hey it’s our ride!

Uber driver: omg I hate these guys

A friend of mine got her nipple pierced last night.

In related news, I’m terrible at darts.

Me: (my second day at the chocolate factory)

Willy Wonka: (watching security camera footage of me convincing the Oompa Loompas to skinny dip in the chocolate river) you’re fired

“Superman is too woke!”

Literally the first page of the first ever appearance of Superman:

All you need now is a lab accident to give you superpowers

I have a 26.2 sticker on my truck & I have had people think that it’s lots of weird things, such as a bible verse, tire sizes, a gun caliber & other stuff

Sorry you don’t understand my malapropisms and solecisms, dummy

I am "if you want to send nudes, Walgreens will have to see them first" years old

Put a bumper sticker or window decal of who you support politically
(I don’t care who or what party it is)

Yeah hotdogs could work
…I had a similar idea but couldn’t make it work serving soup or spaghetti

My LOVE HATE knuckle tattoos looked pretty sweet until that accident working the firework display.

Because, to be honest, I don't even LIKE my hat.

Texting while driving your vehicle is very dangerous….so don’t do it

Texting while boating… yeah apparently that’s ok?

Denting cans of whoopass to get them on discount.

If Santa brings you coal, make coal slaw

Indiana Jones and the Semester Finals of Plagiarism

You have my full attention… deficit.

Remember folks, June is Pride, July is Lust, August is Sloth, September is Envy, October is Wrath, November is Gluttony, December is Greed, January is Sneezy, February is Dopey, March is Bashful, April is Doc, and May is Free Parking.

Yeah probably true
Well, Q’s actual name is Boothroyd in the books, so I guess we’ll go with that

I can do a decent British accent
Can I be Q? The guy who makes all of James Bond’s gadgets
Bond needs a tuxedo with built in ejector pants