Bryan Butnobee

I’ve seen enough social media to know what I’ll be dealing with when it comes knocking at my door. I don’t need to subject myself to this self-harm anymore to know.

Leader Fuckstick of the Free World is definitely NOT his name. And don’t ever call him Shit stained Kiddy Diddler Orange Assed Pants Pisser.

Just reading about the first shots of the Civil and Revolutionary Wars for no reason… what are you up to?

If it can come to Minnesotan’s doorstep, it can come to yours. When you are not the state, you eventually become the enemy of the state.

Hushpuppy? No thanks. How about a big serving of shut-the-fuck-up-puppy?

My favorite pastime is to loudly exclaim “Well there goes a dollar!” every time a puck goes over the boards at a hockey game.

Steve Aoki with big red shoes and another guy with them just two seats down

Steve Aoki: Are you sure?
Stylist: Yes. I am 100% sure no one else will be wearing the big red shoes

The 2 year old hiding behind the coffee table after saying he doesn't need to potty

Let’s be clear, when Trump finally passes, I’ll be celebrating as loud and cheerfully as possible. None of your pearl clutching or shaming bullshit about being a better person is going to penetrate my happy little bubble. Addition by subtraction on the world stage.

My high school government teacher would be proud to know that I’m learning the names and faces of everyone in the Trump admin. Not sure how he’d feel about doing so I can boo and jeer them if encountered in public, but who fucking cares.

Revenge is a dish best served cold so order it from DoorDash.

So seriously uncouth to hear him called the Chief Executive Cheeto Dick with a Frito Prick

How dare you talk about President Shit-For-Brains like that!?! He’s the Poopy-Pants-in-Chief for Christs sake!

The new John Madden movie looks awful

One thing I’m certain of is, when it happens, it’s going to be public and as embarrassing as it’s ever been done. Nobody has done it in a more embarrassing manner. Huge embarrassment.

RFK Jr suggested burning their bodies to extract the stored fuel, but Trump’s frequent “McSharts”, as Dr Oz has adoringly named them, would put the entire plane in jeopardy. Turns out if the sycophants aboard couldn’t baste in them if they caught fire, they would become feral and riot.

Jokes aside, it so happens my cousin Ed is chief aviation electrician for all Presidential aircraft & while he (understandably) isn’t returning texts atm he has told me in past that the President does need to occasionally be defibrillated to “shock” his asshole closed after a bad bout of diarrhea

I’m now hearing that Air Force One had to turn around because, after seeing how well cocaine and Adderall is fueling his presidency, he converted the plane to be powered by stimulants. But Don Jr and Marco joined the flight last minute and they didn’t have enough fuel to traverse the Atlantic.

Introduce yourself as a TV character.

Long odds playing against me, but usually comes out on top while having fun along the way…. But as a man, so on easy mode

Is there a Mr. Information? *bow tie spins*

Those are people who died, died
Those are people who died, died

They were all my friends and just died. 🤷‍♂️

Yes. I also hope that by the end of his life, it’s more like this one

The absolute accuracy of this.

Classic @dril tweet about not being owned and shrinking into a corn cob

every single successful general strike in US history has had union backing through the local AFL-CIO

this is the first time it’s been called for since the 1940s

JD Vance is looking for a loveseat, but can’t keep his dick out of the lustseats.

Ruin a band by changing one letter:

The Yeastie Boys