The Deuce Deducer

Gruesome if literal: hair department head

To a real one.

It would be hilarious if the newly federalized DC Police immediately arrested Trump for all of his criminal activity.

Racketeering, corruption, dereliction of duty, violation of oath, misuse of position, specifically violation of Title 5 CFR § 2635.702. That kind of thing. Much, much more than last year.

Crime in DC is actually off the charts, but it's the other kind of crime.

When someone claims something is "absolute bullshit" is that on a Kelvin scale?

It's a good thing I'm not like everyone else (completely fucked up and entitled).

Went Paint

"it's fine as long as the federal government gets a cut"

The point of barring sales of ITAR items to the Chinese was not that the Chinese weren't paying enough for them.

We’re just not making enough money on milk! Instead of selling milk, we need to be selling milk access. You pay a monthly fee, and then you pay per bottle, too. Don’t drink all your milk? Little extra fee.

the milk business

*runs for Congress on a Rubicon-widening platform*

a close up of a person wearing sunglasses and a leather jacket ALT: a close up of a person wearing sunglasses and a leather jacket

When the one trash bag you want to pull out pulls out another one, or maybe two more.

This is why all rural fire departments should have at least one fire blimp, which are very expensive and which I happen to sell.

Lol perfect!

What is the maniacal jingle it plays?

Sorry, kids, we can't go making 20" records just to get you up to 30x.

That's all there was room for on the LP.

I snored in the middle of a railroad track

Killing fireflies in a jar, a treasured piece of my heritage.

The Monkey is pretty good.

Do kids today even know what a receiver is to lift it?

Imagine thinking that only a few people were masturbating.

I'm guessing that not even extremely attractive people want to see themselves naked, lit directly from above with overly bright florescent light, as they scrub themselves with a bath towel.

A lot of things have gone off the rails in the United States right before our eyes and without our permission, but who the fuck is specifying floor to ceiling mirrors in hotel bathrooms?

Creep Suzette

Technically, by definition, survey respondents who say they feel isolated must be lying. It's only the ones nobody asks who are entitled to feel lonely.

Strangers asking me, a man, if I'm suffering from loneliness has to be some kind of hate crime.

Running my Swanson Hungryman dinner through a blender, just to make sure.

They'll get the last laugh, what with not getting allergies because they let their babies play in the barn as soon as they can crawl.