Dick Scurvy @dickscurvy - Bluesky Profile

Archie looks so grown up!

03.01.2025 21:25 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0

(Removing the condom after a few minutes) Excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable

30.12.2024 01:17 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0

my trembling hand aims the gun at the Turkish ice cream guy. He winks and I realize I'm pointing an ice cream at him. He is already emptying my gun- each bullet a tiny ice cream cone

13.12.2024 14:36 — 👍 444 🔁 80 💬 4 📌 1

franticly running down the street, dragging a bank behind me because i stole one of the chain pens at the counter

12.12.2024 23:28 — 👍 436 🔁 65 💬 8 📌 3

*forgets to bring phone into the bathroom* i’m off the grid

12.12.2024 01:14 — 👍 3383 🔁 568 💬 29 📌 9

1. Food
2. Phone
3. Fap
4. Fear

Repeat

13.12.2024 16:01 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0

Judging by how many times I've ALMOST eaten a sticker on an apple, I've DEFINITELY eaten a sticker on an apple

23.11.2024 15:07 — 👍 1092 🔁 86 💬 51 📌 12

the “ueue” in “queue” is really just there as an example

07.10.2023 16:02 — 👍 462 🔁 107 💬 13 📌 5

They don’t tell you that at 45 your asshole changes embouchure

11.11.2024 00:41 — 👍 2 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0

No offense, Cesarean babies

10.11.2024 22:06 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0

one thing you can do when you are nervous is dig a big hole with your bare hands

06.11.2024 02:28 — 👍 414 🔁 102 💬 10 📌 8

This is NOT what America is about. America is about *opens history book*

uh oh

*Frantically starts flipping though pages*

uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh

06.11.2024 22:28 — 👍 12495 🔁 2689 💬 85 📌 74

If only there had been time to take action…

07.11.2024 03:11 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0

Inadvertently called it “the YouTubes” and now I’m getting targeted ads for walk-in bathtubs

05.02.2024 13:35 — 👍 79 🔁 28 💬 3 📌 0

Prune skin, not from a bath, but because you can no longer fill this decaying meat suit that was built for a younger human

05.02.2024 17:20 — 👍 0 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0

Dating in your 40s is like dumpster diving and hoping to find something good to eat.

04.01.2024 19:32 — 👍 86 🔁 28 💬 4 📌 1

A couple is sitting side-by-side in a booth, silently staring straight ahead as though they hate one another. Gosh. I wish I had someone to hate in a booth.

02.01.2024 20:10 — 👍 188 🔁 53 💬 3 📌 2

Fat older gentlemen want to support your dreams and kiss your privates

04.01.2024 18:37 — 👍 8 🔁 2 💬 1 📌 0

Just put one of those, “Hang In There,” posters above the bed in an effort to make sex at least endurable for my lady.

24.12.2023 19:04 — 👍 61 🔁 31 💬 1 📌 1

Hey. It's Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.

24.12.2023 15:14 — 👍 120 🔁 24 💬 3 📌 1

If I had a nickel…

24.12.2023 15:16 — 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0

This year I'm putting the Christ back in Christ On A Cracker

24.12.2023 06:28 — 👍 59 🔁 15 💬 0 📌 0

First date idea: Let’s see other people

15.12.2023 21:44 — 👍 27 🔁 22 💬 1 📌 0

When your new girlfriend supports you at your custody hearing

21.12.2023 18:50 — 👍 23 🔁 7 💬 0 📌 0

Kids these days don’t even realize their third grade teacher was doing molly and getting railed by an internet stranger

21.12.2023 18:44 — 👍 14 🔁 6 💬 1 📌 0

BREAKING: Hermès billionaire dies in apparent gardening accident

20.12.2023 01:01 — 👍 5 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0

Volkwagen Italia's verified Instagram account, @volkswagenitalia

Never change your Insta handle, VW

18.12.2023 23:12 — 👍 293 🔁 89 💬 9 📌 1

We keep writing these jokes like one of them is going to fix us

19.12.2023 00:46 — 👍 38 🔁 20 💬 1 📌 2

May your days be merry and bright and may puffy vests define you as a person

17.12.2023 06:01 — 👍 53 🔁 26 💬 2 📌 0

Dick Scurvy

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