follow me for timely content as always

hang on what exactly are her jurisdictions if she's QUEEN Latifah but only the PRINCESS of the posse

do yall think Mr. Potato Head asks Mrs. Potato Head "who's your tattie"

hand job. got it

I like that Cinderellas fairy godmother proved she was a scatman with all that bippin and a boppin

these are the times that steam men's hams

Little known fact: I’m a girl who thinks of ghosts, I’ll make ya breakfast, I’ll make you toast

it has just come to my attention that every time in my life someone has mentioned Mick Hucknall, I have pictured David St. Hubbins. I apologize for any confusion caused

Privacy is my middle name, and yes my first name IS Baby, after Saint Baby of Padua

"They'll require you to sing about how you would absolutely eat shit at sculpting or chemistry or basically any other job"
"Understood sir"

[Diogenes gingerly handing over bag] can't believe you ordered man nuggets

flannel draped over your legs like grunge FDR

boy there's just really no dignified way to eat a string cheese, is there

YouTube video by Muppet Songs Muppets Tonight: When Harry Met Sally Screen Test

just laughed until I shook at this Muppets Tonight sketch (I mean I'm always shaking a little these days, but this time in a good way) m.youtube.com/watch?v=lVR-...

making a joke in real life and then repeating it on the Internet like resqueezing a ketchup packet I've already squozen to capacity. "I just know I can get some more Heinz Validation Dopamine out of this"

(AND deleting and redrafting when I notice an error. 100% normal)

work buddy: "does it seem like this elevator might not be safe to get on? I mean it's this or climb eight flights of stairs"

me: "well, if it isn't, I'm going to die the way I lived: not climbing eight flights of stairs"

too dumb to actually do anything, too smart not to be filled with existential dread

...it's about menopause and it will TERRIFY you 👍

Wrapping Christmas gifts to mail this week. Can't believe I didn't plan better* 😔

* leave my Christmas songs in my MP3 player so I could listen to The Bells of Dublin while wrapping

screenshot of text: 'world"), en la loma del culo (lit. "In the ass hill"), which mean "too far away" or cara del"

well, now i need to know the equivalent of "Bumfuck, Nowhere" in EVERY language

...gunpowder treason and plot

I ask for so little yet my nails are still brittle

breaking a nail and glaring at my vitamin/collagen supplements for falling down on the job #PerfectlyNormalResponsesToThings

this is really going to revolutionize my musically-narrating-my-life game (previously limited to activities with three syllables so I could fit them into "Thrift Shop" or "It's No Good" or occasionally "Goldfinger")

current self-created life soundtrack: "scramble these eggs" to the tune of "Unbreak My Heart"

Thought I'd do an actual reading journal this year, mainly so I can tell people WHY I liked or disliked something if I'm asked rather than just "IDK, got bad vibes when you said the name 🤷‍♀️"

nurse yesterday: "I just want to monitor you for a couple of minutes to make sure you're not going to pass out."
me: "oh, no, I'm always this color. I swear I do have circulation"

on the plus side, I bet Volkswagen is pretty excited not to be the #1 car brand people associate with Nazis anymore

don't get me wrong, my warped Southern vocal cords make it very difficult to reproduce your Northern sounds. my true name is a gargling sound that would drive a Northerner to madness merely to hear