Supa Fly Hella Dope

Don’t even get me started on trousers and knickers because trousing and knicking aren’t even real verbs. False advertising

Jumpers don’t even make us jump.
False advertising

Sneakers don’t even help us sneak around, if anything they’re too noisy.
False advertising

Sweaters don’t even make us sweat. False advertising

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

“Quiet piggy“

Oink oink motherfucker.

Don't tell me "you'll really like these people".... I'll totally prove you wrong

PERSON GASPING FOR AIR: *pushes epi pen into my hand*
ME: I said no autographs

And then the clerk said "Your wrinkles and grays are HIDEOUS!"

Actually she said nothing & took the payment for my wine without carding me

Had a man explain different types of velcro to me today

Ok so the “rear wiper” button in my car is not what I thought it was for

I don’t have resting bitch face. I have “I’m pretending to be normal and failing” face

After two failed posts with typos, I have now decided to identify as roadkill

White people be like how old is this coffee

Disguising my farts with my snapping bones at the chiropractor

"WHY ISN'T THERE AN INTERNATIONAL MEN'S DAY?" WHAT DO YOU MEAN "THERE ISN'T AN INTERNATIONAL MEN'S DAY"? EVERY DAY IS INTERNATIONAL MEN'S DAY WHEN YOU HAVE CORN NUTS.

launching my own version of Wikipedia with blackjack and hookers

Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they're absolutely useless at throwing shade.

this meeting could have been a blessed silence

My stomach sounds like a bouncy ball hitting every step in an echoey stairwell

If sexuality was a choice, then explain heterosexual women

If I was your tapeworm would you shit me out?

There's nothing wrong with being an introvert especially in a horror movie. Turning down the invite to stay at your friends cabin puts distance between you and the lake monster lurking nearby. You can't be taken out if you simply stay in.

The only consistent thing about me is that I take my meds on time

why do they call it hamburger helper when you of in the ham of out hot help the burger

Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store

Joke’s on you. Being ignored is my kind of foreplay.

"NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!" my children yell at me.

i think i don’t wanna know what my cat calls me