SR Buffalo

One fun thing about getting older is realizing you’re living exactly like the song Hip To Be Square.

Online dating isn’t working. Time to go stand at Homegoods™️, looking confused while wearing gray sweatpants.

America is the Tesla Cybertruck of countries

scan the QR code to see my bush

*Bee Gees voice*

do you suck the devil’s cock with that mouth

Funny?
*takes long drag off cigarette*
I’ve not been called that in years.

Leftist concerns:
- fascist takeover
- no healthcare
- housing too expensive

Right wing concerns:
- the cracker barrel logo doesn't have the grandpa on the chair anymore

A man said pussy is like pizza because even when it’s bad it’s still kinda good. Penises, tragically, are not pizza.

I needed this today, thank you.

If it makes you feel better about yourself, absolutely everybody else is a disgusting pervert too.

Stay home if you’re psycho.

Come over if you thiccc, tho.

Writing up my new dating bio.

A scene from Everything, Everywhere, All At Once with Wayland saying "In another life, I would have really liked fumbling you." The original line is "In another life, I would have really liked just doing laundry and taxes with you."

this is how I flirt btw

The worst person you know will find religion in their 40’s to make up for decades of being an asshole.

I wasn’t built for work.
I was built to haunt a Victorian seaside village.

Life’s too short to not fist fight your boss.

*seductively peeling my scrotum from my mid-thigh*

Every once in a while, I’ll start doing something and 20 years later, remember I never did technically break up with my middle school gf. I hope she hasn’t cheated on me.

When I say I'm "crunching the numbers" at work, it means I'm playing sudoku.

Sign on a wall reads “NO TORTILLAS ALLOWED IN THE THEATRE.”

I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.

If you try to rob a bank in a ski mask, you should also wear ski pants and a ski jacket while holding ski poles and standing on skis. That way, when the police arrive, you can say "Just looking for the bunny slope, playboy"

Sorry we’re late. My husband’s keys were exactly where I said they’d be, so naturally he had to check everywhere else first.

He looks like a big toe that spent too much time in the pool.

two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap you’re welcome

Today's level of gluttony;

Ate an omelette so big it tired me out enough to get into bed before 3pm

Facebook has Are We Dating the Same Guy groups. Bluesky needs Are We Sexting the Same Guy so we can rank his creativity like on Rotten Tomatoes.

People just aren’t named Burgess as often anymore.

Is the robot babysitting the kids while Rocky is in the Soviet Union in Rocky IV?

For personal reasons, I will be standing on the shore looking to the horizon as though searching for a long lost lover, pulling a shawl tighter around my shoulders to prevent the wind from whipping it away, and then scattering in a puff of sea foam. Sorry for the inconvenience!